I'll Show Them

"Dear Hope,
Next time do this instead of that
and here's the person you should call
to get that set up."

W..T..F?

I'd followed protocol. Their protocol. You know, the one they changed the last time I followed the protocol they'd changed before that. Yah, that one. This last time around I had even congratulated myself in a note to them basically saying hey, I'd finally figured it out, don't you want to pat me on the back?

Apparently not.

I read their note and immediately turned to my keyboard. I'd let them know that I wasn't stupid, wasn't born yesterday and was already a step ahead of them because I'd fixed the problem before they even let me know there was one, thankyouverymuch. I'll...I'll...I'll show them.

I've spent most of my life scratching my head at easy going, like water off a duck's back kind of people. Didn't they know they could be all het up about it? If they gave a shit they'd get their panties in a knot just like me.

One of the gifts of active recovery is to not get my panties in a knot over most anything anymore. I've been surprised to learn that when I ask myself How important is it? about any given I'm-ramping-up-to-make-a-big-drama-out-of-it situation that it's rarely worth the energy to get all riled up. Most of the time that's a relief. Sometimes, like today, I have a hard time letting go of it.

So I started pounding out an email to them. Fast and furiously I thanked them for solving the problem, that btw I'd done this, this and this. I concluded by thanking them for their patience with me. In the midst of typing I wondered why it mattered to me to let them know I'd fixed the problem. Fixing it meant we'd never have these kind of exchanges again. What did it matter?

I told myself that all I had to do was be aware of my feelings and not send that email until I'd done some self examination. But, God, I wanted some drama. I wanted to whine. I wanted justice. But that little check within me meant that I let the email sit there. Instead I got up from my desk and went to whine to my boss. Fortunately someone else went to see my boss at the same time and after standing there for a few minutes I was given the grace to turn around and head back to my desk, whine unspoken. Well, except in my head.

I left that email on my desktop for a very long time. I wanted to know what it was within me that was happening. Why did I need to let them know I'd solved the problem when solving the problem didn't pertain to them?

Eventually I figured out that I didn't want to look bad in their eyes. I had been sure they were talking about me way over there in city far away about how stupid I was because I kept screwing up this bit. Or as a friend humourously commented last night, "Ya, they gather around the water cooler and talk about you for 10 minutes straight."

Lord have mercy.

I cared what they thought about me.

I sat there and repeated to myself that what other people think of me is none of my business.

Then I sent the email.