Sunday, February 05, 2023

Past Versions

I had the opportunity to connect this past week with someone who knew me during the worst years of my life. Years when I cried and despaired of ever changing. They were the one I called on for support and who could see in me what I could not. Who held out hope for me when I had none.

We moved to different parts of the country and over time our friendship waned. 

I used to attend, and then eventually lead, a bible study made up of older women. My children were young and I’d listen to these women chat about their adult children and grandchildren. I’d wonder at what age a mother feels no shame about what choices their kids make, especially if those choices are radically different from what you’d hope they’d make. 

One time, my long ago friend was visiting and was able to attend the Bible study with me.  She didn’t say too much afterwards.  In all honesty, I thought I was all that and then some. I had met this friend at a Bible study at her house in a time when I had never read it for myself. Now here I was leading one. Well, then.

I turned 60 this past year.  I haven’t felt shame for my kids’ choices for many years.  They’ve made all the ones I never expected them to make when they were young. They’re pretty incredible human beings. I’m proud of the people they are. They’ve each had some pretty awful seasons in their lives already. Cancer, mental health issues, divorce and more. After talking with my friend, who continues to see in me what I cannot, I’m joining her in holding out hope for not only for myself, but also for my kids as they continue to grow and change.

~ Hope

Friday, February 03, 2023

Realizations


I sent this to my therapist before I saw her this week. I actually don’t hate it.  I know she sees stuff long before I do.  Just like I sometimes see things in others before they do. And they do in me. 

It’s been a week of recharging my batteries before I head into the busiest stretch at work, which will last for months. 

I originally went back into the workforce because I knew I needed to rub shoulders with people who saw the world differently than I do.  I needed to stretch and grow. 

I mentioned to a friend the other day that hadn’t I been stretched enough? She replied, “Well, you’re not dead yet.”        


~ Hope



Monday, January 30, 2023

Failings


Yesterday I was that old lady hunched over the steering wheel as I drove 8 hours home from my daughter’s place. I’m sure I looked a sight with my oxygen cannula stuck up my nostrils and all.  My oxygen cannula that my 5 year old granddaughter had told me earlier that she’d stuck up her nose to see what it felt like. 

The six lane highway was sheer ice for the first hour and more of my trip home. Dearest One talked me through it as I sobbed my head off due to my fear and anxiety. 

My visit was the best of times and the worst of times. It ended with my daughter not speaking to me; no hugs goodbye from my granddaughters. 

I could spin the whys of that any which way to suit me. Without the support and reassurance from my therapist these past few days, I would feel totally crazy in the head.  But I’m not. Healing continues, but it sure is not for the feint of heart.


~ Hope 


Thursday, January 19, 2023

Rest and Work


 This is not a question to ask oneself when you’ve been up since 5:30 with two energetic grandchildren. How to get rested to do my most meaningful work? Which is, these days, my grandchildren. We were faced with cat puke on the table and dog poop in the living room first thing. Lord help me.  

~ Hope

Wednesday, January 18, 2023

Moments

My wish for you, today. 

Last night I was helping my granddaughters put together a colourful craft cart. They were so full of excitement I felt like bursting into tears. 


~ Hope

Monday, January 16, 2023

What Is


Opportunities abound to heal while I visit my daughter and her daughters. 

All I can say tonight is that every ounce of fight I’ve had within me, all the grace shone my way, and every one step in front of the other, no matter how much I’ve gone backwards - I’m full of gratitude tonight for what is.


~ Hope


Wednesday, January 11, 2023

This Chance


 It’s been a long day. Grandchildren awake way before dawn. Mornings are a struggle for me. I managed to get the girls delivered to school on time before I came back to their house to start my work day.

Before I started work, I read this post. It was just what I needed to gain perspective. To be reminded that this chance to love is a gift. 

Oldest granddaughter came home from school and shared about her day. Out of that conversation we came up with a plan to have a game night this weekend. 

Anyway, my bed is calling and morning comes early. 

~ Hope