Miss You

"Will they forget about me?"
That's my thought as I make the rounds and try to read a little of all your news.
I can tell you the exact moment that kind of thinking sunk into my psyche.
I was probably about 3 years old.
It was Christmastime.
My older siblings and cousins were dancing around my grandparents' house with their Christmas presents - my brother complete with cowboy hat,holster and toy gun - when I pulled on his pant leg and asked him where my present was.

He hardly missed a beat, telling me, "You're too little," and went back to having a shoot out with his cousin.

I've worked really hard the last few years when I feel that all too familiar panic that I have become invisible or will be forgotten or any other kind of thought pattern that mimics that time so long ago.

I drove hundreds of miles today and made it to a long time friend's house.
Freeways and rain coming down so hard the wipers couldn't keep up, didn't deter me.
I did it anyway, even though I was afraid.
There aren't any freeways where I live and trying to figure out which lane is the one I want is not my idea of a fun pastime. Drivers in this city are very kind though and let me in even after they watched me change from this lane to that within a few car lengths.

Tomorrow is my cardiac MRI among lots of catch up visiting with my friend.
Friday, I get to meet this longtime blogging friend. Cool.

I'm too tired to try and make this post make sense by wrapping it up by tying something in from the beginning of the post.
Miss you.

Now

I have a little musical snowman that plays "Let It Snow." I wind it up on the first day of snowfall. If today is any indication I will still be winding it up on the first day of Spring, too. C'est la vie. It does look pretty out there with snow resting on the evergreens.

Dearest one was in a minor car accident last week. Initially he thought he wasn't injured but 24 hours after the accident he started to hurt. He was diagnosed with grade 2 whiplash over the weekend. Not fun at all. It is hard to see him is such discomfort. I want to make it all better but I can't. You know, there wasn't even any damage to his car. Makes us both have a new awareness of those in more serious accidents. He is in terrible pain. Dearest one works in the health care field and is wonderful at what he does. He is also a wretched patient. So, so stubborn.

I have a very full week ahead of me. Thankfully I only have to live it one day at a time. Today. I can do that. I read somewhere online in the past while about someone asking a monk what time it was and he replied, "Now." And then he paused and said, "Now." I've been trying to keep that in mind. It's now. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Not five minutes from now, but now. Now is doable.

Seeping Out Of Her Pores

I had several vivid dreams last night.
This is one of them:

She'd written a list about herself.
She read it outloud to the rest of us gathered round.
It was all negative except for one sentence.
She oozed meanness and her face was hard.
I didn't want to mess with her.
She scared me.

We continued to gather on a regular basis.
After a long time of getting together
she said that this
worked better than prison.

She took out her crumpled list
from long ago.
Her face had lost its hardness.
Her very countenance changed.
She skimmed her list and read out loud
the positive sentence.
She no longer needed to define herself
by her mistakes.

I watched her as she read.
Observed the transformation.
Her face soft and glowing.
The phrase "Love is seeping out of her pores."
came to me. I tried to speak them aloud
but tears rose up within me.
Grace and miracles do that to me.

Feeling Support

The energizer bunny was out of sorts all weekend with dearest one gone on a men's retreat. Two nights in a row she sat crying in the bay window looking for him to come home. Yesterday she was in full blown mourning. Poor thing. She understandably nearly turned herself inside out when he came home last night. We let her sleep in our bed. Dearest one told me through bleary eyes this morning that we let her sleep with us for her sake not ours. Amen to that. My God, she has nocturnal ADHD if there is such a thing. She's snoring away as I type.

It was wonderful to have dearest one home again. I love nothing better than to clean, clean, clean when I have the house to myself. I had a pretty good balance between work and play over the weekend. My house hasn't been this clean in a very long time, though. Dearest one looked around and said to me, "Were you bored?"
I even made the bed. Most people probably make the bed every day. I don't. I don't care, either. I can crawl into a bed and if there are covers to cover me all is well. Dearest one, on the other hand, comes to bed, looks at the disarray and says, "this will never do." I then grumble about having to get out of bed so he can straighten all the covers out. It's a near nightly game we play. Last night we didn't have to. Wonders never cease.

I have had a on again, off again relationship with centering prayer for the past year. I start it, I get scared, I run the other way. I start again, I make it through a week or so, I get scared, I run the other way. I did manage it for most of Lent last year and for a few months afterwards. I know of no other discipline that puts me in the here and now so quickly. I ordered a timer CD that starts with gregorian chant and then has the 20 minutes of silence and then gently comes back to gregorian chant to let you know a session is over. I put it into my computer yesterday and thought to myself what a weird place to do centering prayer, sitting in front of my computer. Usually I do it at the tail end of a yoga session. But I started anyway and stuck with it. Before long I noticed I was sitting ramrod straight and decided to ease back into my desk chair. I noticed the chair back wrapping around me as if it was hugging me. As I let the chair embrace me a thought popped into my head "It's okay to feel support." Well. That sentence came out of nowhere and had so many ramifications for me that I cried on and off for the remainder of the 20 minutes. Fr. Thomas Keating says that emotions are energy and what we suppress is stored in our body. Sometimes in centering prayer it surfaces. Tears no longer scare me. They did for much of my life. I'm learning to honour them and let them be. Who knows what those tears were yesterday. I'm okay with that.

Hopeful Possibilities

I have to crank out a resume before I head to town in a few hours.
I'm undecided about the job I'm applying for, but figure I'll apply
and see what happens next.
I believe one can make a positive difference
wherever they work.

I'll also be at the treatment centre this morning to join a friend
celebrating the end of her stay there.
She has the same counselor I had when I was there.
This will be my first time of seeing said counselor
since I completed the same program a year and a half ago.

The testosterone in my home is going to be away
for the weekend.
I'll be fine until nightfall.
I'll be fine then, too.
I just prefer not to be alone at night.
I am looking forward to
not cooking. If I lived alone I would cook up a storm
once a week and stick all those meals in the freezer and
defrost them as needed. I have a whack of food allergies
so I usually am cooking one meal for me and one for the guys.
I have a stash of meals for me in the freezer right now so
the microwave will be my buddy this weekend.
I don't care if I eat the same thing for days on end.

Yesterday was our anniversary and tomorrow is Valentine's day.
We got married on a Friday;
would've been married on Valentine's Day
but it was Sunday
and dearest one only had the weekend off.

Well, my resume is still waiting to be written.
Life is full of possibilities.

7 Quick Takes Friday

Jen at Conversion Diary has a whole lot of 7 quick takes friday post links on her blog.

1. I keep a back scratcher next to me while I type. I have one spot on my back that itches many, many times a day. And never fail, when I crawl into bed at night it goes into over drive. Dearest one knows exactly where that itch is. He's my favourite back scratcher. If I don't eat anything I'm allergic to my back itches much less. In addition to many other foods, I'm allergic to chocolate. Need I say more?

2. I feel much older in my body this morning than I am. I'm glad I have a day of computer work ahead of me instead of housework. I hurt from head to toes, like I need some oil on the joints and some gas in my tank in order to function. Eventually both my brain and my body will wake up. I hope it's soon.

3. I am slow on the uptake (Ya think?!). Some of my favourite bloggers, I've looked at my blog list this week and thought, my God they're posting late today. Duh. I've been up much earlier than normal so really it's me, not them, whose schedule changed. It's embarrassing how many days it took me to figure that out. But then, when you consider I couldn't figure out that my handheld computer doohickey's charge cord was also the power cord, one can't be too surprised, can they?

4. I get random hits on my blog nearly every day for the phrase "thank you for this moment" which is a close reference of a poem by Ted Loder. That post can be found here.

5. This is one of my favourite Craig Ferguson pieces:

6. Today I must find my desk underneath piles of papers and books. There is a hydraulic jack on it that I used last night as a paper weight. I hope I'll find two different sets of notes that were on my desk at one time. I just about convinced myself the other day that I needed a newer, bigger desk. In reality, I just need to clean off the one I have. Which is applicable to so much of life. Take care of what is, instead of wishing for something else.

7. Despite the mess, I can see 4 different objects that have the word "hope" on them from where I'm sitting. I wonder if anything on my desk is secretly wishing my word was "help" instead of hope. The favourite thing I can see from where I sit is an old cover from a missalette that has a picture of Archangel Raphael holding a sign that says "Take courage! God has healing in store for you."

This Creature Is A Stirring.

"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."

Well, this creature is going to town today - taking in a noon AA meeting and getting an attitude adjustment as a bonus. I haven't started my car in nearly a week and haven't done much more than poke my head out the door since then either. I even woke up an hour earlier than normal this morning. How can you tell I am chomping at the bit to get out the door?!

We usually have a pretty low key Christmas. Dearest one's folks will join us for dinner and the meal will be simple. Boxing day we will gather with his extended family and that should see upwards of 50 people come together. There will be laughing and eating and playing, too. Thankfully in the past year there have been no deaths in the immediate family. Dearest one's father has prayed the same prayer before meals our whole married life. I used to chortle inwardly at what seemed like a rote repitition. Used to get right up on my high horse about it and look down on him. These days, when dearest one's father, who has made it through 3 open heart surgeries and is still alive against all odds, prays, I think to myself about how this very well may be the last family gathering we hear his voice echo in our ears and those words that I once made fun of, have become something to cherish.

I won't be posting tomorrow.
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.
The waiting will be over.
The Light will have broken through the darkness.
And they all said, "Thanks be to God."

To Sleep, Perchance To Dream

Because I'm weary and have a mounting sleep debt I'm going to take part in 7 Quick Takes Friday.

1.
It's going to be steady at about minus 30ish for the next few days. Our windows are covered from top to bottom with Jack Frost's creations. I marvel at how trees and mountains and leaves appear overnight, or in my case, are there 24 hours a day as long as it is this cold. Some days I feel like my middle name should be Linus. I carry a blanket most everywhere to stay warm. When I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom I can tell it's warmed up if I can see out the bedroom window. There's something warped about telling the temperature that way. Hey, I do live in redneck country.

2.
I have not felt much holiday cheer this season; be that as it may. I have to admit I felt a twinge of jealousy yesterday when I read on FB that only daughter's boyfriend's mother has laid in a stock of wine and is looking forward to sharing a glass with only daughter over the holidays. For some reason I felt jealous that having a drink together will, Lord willing, never be part of my shared story with my adult kids. I know that's screwed up to feel jealous. Yet that pang was there momentarily. Then I remembered that even though I was a fun drunk, I was most likely only a fun drunk to myself and not the larger world around me as I liked to think. And to have a drink with my children as reality and a shared story would most likely guarantee solitary Christmases for eternity. Thank you God, thank you God, for my sobriety.

3.
We have 35+ neices and nephews on dearest one's side of the family; many of them of marrying age. The weddings have been happening at a fast and furious rate this past year. We receivged a wedding invite to one in the mail this week and a phone call this morning of another one in the works. In dearest one's family's culture a girl starts to be considered an old maid at 25 or thereabouts. People feel sorry for her single state. I wish there was a place in their culture for the possibility of being called to singlehood. To see how it could be celebrated and encouraged without a person feeling somehow second rate. When I hear people talk all starry eyed about the love of their life completing them I want to howl with snarky laughter. Bring the fullness of who you are to marriage people; the fullness, that is the beauty of who you are, sans marriage. I'll shut up about that now because I feel a rant coming on and it wouldn't be pretty.

4.
Okay, I can tell I am sleep deprived, can you? Unless I've been bone weary at bedtime I haven't slept through the night since before last weekend. It should follow that I sound a bit babyish by today, shouldn't it?

5.
Nine times out of every ten that I've eaten out in the past 18 months, I've eaten at Subway. Sometimes I feel like I could give Jared a run for his money. I'm 50 pounds lighter and know most of the Subway staff at all 5 locations. They keep getting moved from one place to another and greet me enthusiastically when we see each other at a new location. I think it says something for Subway that they still have this core group of staff after that long, a record for a fast food place I should think.

6.
The year my older sister sent me some little dollar packages of Norwegian flags for my Christmas tree I cried. They top the list of my all time favourite Christmas present. My grandparents always had them on their tree as did my great aunt. We never know what traditions are going to be the most heart felt in years to come. I get very homesick every single Christmas and those little flags make me feel connected to my family far away.

7.
Yesterday as I was rushing down an aisle in a department store I saw an elderly woman try on a lovely red suit jacket. She turned this way and that and I stopped to whisper, "It looks beautiful on you." She turned and looked a little sheepish and a lot pleased. She told me there wasn't a mirror close by so she couldn't see how it looked. I assured her it looked just great and went on my way. I wonder when she looks in the mirror does she see her older self or her younger self.

I have a sneaking suspicion if I don't get some good sleep soon youngest son and dearest one are going to be looking at each other way before supper and asking, "Is it bedtime yet?" Oh, I remember those days when supper couldn't come fast enough because that meant bath time and bed time and sleep for us all. Methinks they are going to be hoping it's my bedtime way before supper is on the horizon.

If you want to read a post that will make you laugh and cry, hop over to Da Momma's blog. This woman no doubt can't wait for bedtime either, but my goodness she parents with a wisdom and wit that I can only dream about. Dreams are good though, it hopefully means you're getting some sleep.

A Little Banty King

Here, north of the 55th paralell, it's a good day to stay inside.
There's a cold snap that's running from here right across the prairies.
The furnace has hardly taken a breather in the past 12 hours.
I'm thankful there aren't chores to do outside this morning.
For several years we had chickens and sheep to care for.
Often the chickens would sit on the backs of the sheep.
I still miss the sound of a Banty rooster.
The way he announced, first thing in the morning,
that he's still king of his own little world.
Woe to anyone who challenged his call.
I can be like that little rooster some days.
Except I am never, ever voluntarily awake at sunrise.

7 Quick Takes Friday

*The title and the theme is courtesy Conversion Diary.

1.

Yesterday I was going up and down the aisles in the grocery store and was stopped by a man who wanted to know what the difference was between bleach and javex. When I told him they were the same thing, except was one a brand of bleach he replied that they sure charge a lot more for the brand.

2.

A few aisles later I was trying to figure out what kind of dog food to buy because the store was out of our regular brand. A man walked by me and said, "Just buy a bag of this and a bag of that. They'll eat it all anyway." I must have had a puzzled look on my face for him to read my mind like that. Creeped me out.

3.

I have a favourite cashier who hasn't been at her regular til for quite a while. Turns out she'd been on holiday so it was a treat to go through her til yesterday. She has a slightly cynical view of life plus a great sense of humour. She's entertaining, I'll give her that. She can't be more than 27 and has already gone through the death of her dad and her only sibling. I'd be a bit cynical, too if I was her.

4.

I like listening to country and western music on the radio. It plays as I type these posts every day. Some days I feel like I must be turning into my mother who listens to the radio (same music) more than she watches tv. Me, too. (However I am an avid fan of The Amazing Race and Saving Grace.)

5.

Only 6900 words left to write on my novel. Won't you be glad when I stop posting about it? I know I'll be glad to type the words "The End". I feel like I should celebrate somehow but haven't come up with anything yet. Ideas?

6.

We've been getting together with 3 other couples on a weekly basis for 7 years now. We orginally met to study this book and have recently reached the last few pages. Over time we've grown to share our spiritual, parenting, and marriage journeys with one another. One of the couples just went through one of their adult sons surviving a serious car accident. He still can't walk but is alive, which is a miracle. Last night was the first time they were able to make it to one of our gatherings in nearly 2 months so of course on nights like that we don't open the book at all. When we do finish the book we are going to the local indoor swimming pool and are all going to jump off the rope swing. I've never seen anyone middle aged do that so we are either going to garner a lot of applause or we'll be asked to leave for causing so much commotion. Either way, I'm looking forward to it.

7.

I continue to be hopelessly gullible. Dearest One and Youngest Son love to tease me and string me a line. I'm sure I'm a source of great amusement for them. Yesterday I walked into the public library in town and went to put my books in the return bin. A librarian I've known for close to 20 years looked at me and said, "You can't put them there." Obedient person that I am I stopped mid air and looked at her. She then continued, "We just got it cleaned out, you're making more work for us." I told her she shouldn't tease me like that because I am the most gullible person on the planet.

Today

It's dark outside yet.
A few hours until the sun rises.
We've had mild weather for all of November.
It makes the winter seem a month shorter.
I like that.
This time last year, winter had settled in
and the long, dark days stretched out before us
like a cat.
No purring around here about that.

Today.
The privilege of buying groceries.
Having gas in the vehicle to go to town.
My Christmas shopping is nearly done.
It will be done before the month is over.
I'm grateful for the blessings of life.
Which really have nothing to do with material things.
But with the peace in my heart.
A new day.
Opportunities abound.
Let's make the most of it.
(7528 words to go on the novel.)

Staying Put

It's snowing to beat the band out there and there's a wind warning to boot.
The last time there was a wind warning several huge trees came crashing down outside and one would have hit our bedroom window had it broken off closer to the ground instead of half way up the trunk.

Yesterday it was freezing rain so I cancelled my appointments and stayed home.

Here's a snippet of an email I sent to a friend this morning:

My NaNoWriMo writing feels like total drivel these days but I am continuing to add to it anyway. Anne Lamott calls them shitty first drafts but I'm sure mine must be diarrhea by now. :) And I'm behind on the word count by the thousands, too. Slow diarrhea then.

Those gall bladder attacks are wretched, simply wretched. We lived/worked on a dairy farm when I got mine out and we had access to as much fresh cream as we wanted. Foods high in fat are a no no for gall bladder problems and I made a pie and whipped up some rich cream and well, it was all downhill from there.

I will go light the candle and hold you all in prayer today. Just happened to light the green one the other day for you all -I call it my hope candle. Today I'll light the one I call the Mary candle. For some reason she gives me great comfort, especially for the stuff that worries a mother's heart. Whenever I am really down about parenting stuff and all the mistakes I've made, when I ask her to intercede for me I always end up in tears.

love,

A Spoonful of Medicine

So much for having a next right thing kind of day.
I was listening to the radio and heard someone request this song and thought to myself, someone is sucking up big time.
Having that response, instead of thinking about
what a nice song it was, jarred me and helped me
realize that I was having
a rather cynical kind of day.
Not good.
Cynical used to be my modus operandi.
I don't miss it.
Not one bit.
Doing the next right thing
is a good antidote for cynicism.
Hmmm.

I've been avoiding cleaning the kitchen all day
which was the next right thing since I opened my eyes this morning.
Instead I went for a walk.
I read my daily reading books.
I journalled.
I wrote out the questions from page 86 of the Big Book
so I can answer them tonight.
I sat in contemplative prayer for nearly the whole 20 minutes.
I took this test to satisfy only daughter's curiousity.
For the record my main colour is gold.
What's yours?

Now I'm off to wash dishes and clean the kitchen.
The energy I've expended today avoiding doing that makes me think of M. Scott Peck's book The Road Less Traveled. In it he talks about avoiding doing the thing that is taking up the most energy in our head and how if we only did that at the beginning of the day we'd free up energy for other things.
Sometimes I sabotage my very own spoon supply.
Come hell or high water I'm going to have
a clean kitchen before I go to bed tonight.

Scratching My Head

How ironic is it that I can delete anything in my inbox at the first click of a button but when I want to delete anything from my spam box it asks me to double check and make sure I really want to say goodbye forever. Just had to get that off my chest.

The Feet To Do It

A pink streaked sky greets me this morning.
I really dislike being alone at night so I'm glad it's morning.
This feels like a put-one-foot-in-front-of-the-other kind of day.
That's not a bad thing, just reality.
I'm glad I have the feet to do it.

The weather man said there was no snow in the 5 day forecast.
That's the time of year it is here when it comes to weather.
Which should tell you I am a true Canadian because weather is often the first thing we talk about. Every week when I call my mom she asks about the weather first, about my week, second.

Yesterday I was listening to the request hour on the radio when someone phoned in who sounded so much like my friend Karen. Not sure how long it will be before remembering that she's gone will stop sending a zing of pain right through me. As I was thinking of her I realized the song this woman requested was one that they played at Karen's funeral. Well, wasn't that enough to make me cry and cry?

So even though this feels like a put-one-foot-in-front-of-another kind of day, I'm going to choose to walk it with a smile on my face and a good attitude. My friend Karen knew she was dying and she wanted nothing more than to keep on living. This day's for her.

It's Five O'Clock Somewhere

This is the view out my window as I type this morning. I find the bare trees lonely looking and stark. The grass looks like there was one humdinger of a confetti party on it. I was awake by 5 AM, it's going to take a few days to adjust to the time zone change. I lay there and it's 5 o'clock somewhere, went through my mind. I grinned, glad that I no longer need reasons to drink. Okay, that sounds off, like I drink for no reason at all when in reality I haven't had a drink for over 20 years. Hmmm, is this going to end up being one of those type and delete kind of posts? The kind where I end up typing myself into a corner and push the magic button that makes it all disappear?

Today I'm thankful for the little, ordinary routines that will make up my day. Going for a walk (the bears and cougars are gone as far as we know), doing yoga, making my bed, cleaning the house and cooking a good supper. I'll make some phone calls and reconnect with friends. I'll make time for the energizer bunny to spend time on my lap, too. Life is good.

Safe and Sound

Here I am awake and coherent after a middle of the night flight.
A good long sleep, some good food and here I am ready to face what's left of the day.
I'd forgotten the humidity in this neck of the woods.
It's much warmer than at home.
Trees are barely starting to turn colour.
At home they'll be on the ground when I return.

I went for a walk this afternoon.
An elderly gentleman was bringing out some recyclables just before the truck was going to pick them up. We had a nice little chat on the sidewalk. He's lived here 89 years, right across from the marina. I hope to be so alert and brimming with life at his age.

Sunday Sunday

It's been a type and delete kind of morning.
Nothing I write makes any sense.
Today is only daughter's graduation.
Just after midnight tonight I'll be on a plane.
I'll be back online tomorrow night at the earliest.

Privileged

Travelling is such a privilege.
I often think about that when I see the traffic on the highway as I go for my walks.
To have the money to buy the gas to get where you want to go? A privilege. This weekend is our turn to travel. The beautiful fall colours were a real treat to watch as we drove last night especially because there were some places where all there is to see are trees and more trees for an hour at a time. No houses, no signs of life other than the other vehicles on the road.

I remember when dearest one was bringing me to this place over 25 years ago.
"Where is civilization?" I asked.
Having just lived in a city for the first time in my life, in an area where one was lucky to travel a few minutes without seeing a house, driving through miles and miles of bush was a bit unnerving. The highway cut like a ribbon through the wilderness and it still does in some places, the only change this many years later is that the highway now has 4 lanes instead of 2.

The smell of marijuana greeted us outside the hotel's entrance last night in this big city. Not exactly the welcome we wanted but one that's often the case when we stay at this particular hotel. Noise and city lights made the sleep last night far different than sleeping by the light of the moon and the stars and hearing coyotes howling their song.

Today we're off to see the sights. Do a little shopping. Travel a little further down the highway. Tonight we'll see only daughter and tomorrow we'll celebrate her graduation from college. In the wee hours of the morning I'll get on a plane and travel halfway across the country. It's all a privilege. All a gift.

Enjoy your day wherever the journey takes you.

Same Old

Tuesday.
Appointments in two different directions.
About 150+ miles in all when the day is done.
Does that impress you?
Not sure why else I would tell you.
Not sure why I share what I do with you anyway.

It's okay.
I'm just having a
"my God this blog is such self absorbed drivel" moment.
I'll get over it.
And continue to write the same old same old.