Monday, May 29, 2017

Notes From the Bottom of My Computer Screen

"We must bear patiently not being good....and not being thought good." ~ St. Francis of Assisi 

I can bear patiently not being good but not being thought good is the harder part for me.

"God sometimes looks like someone finally, finally telling the truth." ~ Anne Lamott

Another little bit of wisdom taped to the bottom of my computer screen.  I like to think of myself as a truth teller. I'm humbled at how blind I can be to the truth. Particularly when it comes to myself.

"Find a bit of beauty in the world today. Share it. If you can't find it, create it. Some days this may be hard to do. Persevere." ~ Lisa B. Adams

Lisa passed away from metastatic breast cancer over 2 years ago now. I keep her words where I can see them.

Today I am doing my part in planning my dad's memorial. Even though he passed away nearly 4 months ago we put off having his service until the weather was warmer. The majority of my family is buried in a tiny little church cemetery in the middle of a field. Up the road is the one room school house that my mom attended. The community has worked hard at its upkeep so that at times like this, people can use it for the luncheon that follows a funeral.

It didn't matter what life looked like for my dad as he aged he always said that it beat the alternative.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Domino Effect

My father in law passed away just over a week ago. I told Dearest One I couldn't let myself think about this new reality as I haven't processed my own dad's passing yet. We are over 125 people in just my husband's immediate family of siblings and nieces and nephews and the like. The community support was incredible. Someone voluntarily feeding any and/or all of us every night for a week. We are exhausted.

My father in law's death wasn't pretty. It looked like damn hard work. Dearest One took care of him around the clock in the days preceding his death. Two sights will stay with me forever. The first was when I saw Dearest One lean in close and cup his dad's face in his hand before speaking to him, his voice full of compassion. The other was the look of devastation as Dearest One saw in hindsight that medication needed to be increased and his dad had been suffering unnecessarily.

We seem surrounded by hard things in our family this year. Daughter in law with chronic health issues that make daily living a challenge, including daily time spent in a wheel chair. Son in law facing open heart surgery. Son needing two emergency surgeries including an air ambulance ride to get one of them. His wife is in the midst of chemo. Dearest One has been off work over 6 months as he does the hard work necessary to heal from long standing PTSD. My mom, stubborn, tenacious woman that she is, navigating whatever remaining life she has on her own terms.

I lost my emotional footing the other day while sitting in a parking lot eating my lunch. All these things seemed to catch up with me up and life seemed overwhelming. I called my doctor's office and am grateful for time off work so I can begin to process what feels like the click, click, click sound of dominoes falling.

We covet your prayers.