That word "curious" keeps showing up in things and catching my attention. I've tended to be curious about all kinds of things in my life. People watching is one of my favourite activities. Dearest One knows I'd like a word by word account of many of his conversations with other people. I'm endlessly curious about relationships and conversations.
I'm learning to be curious about my relationship with myself and the conversations that are going on in my head. Watching them without judgement. Trying to, anyway. When I went to treatment I learned that 95% of a person's self talk is negative. I learned to shut that shit down. But, like most inner changes, there are layers upon layers of shit to discover and discard.
The amount of self loathing I've experienced while off work has been through the roof. My inner chatter void of anything positive. Pathetic. Hopeless. Lazy. Not trying. Not trying hard enough. Useless. Thankfully Dearest One has been down this path himself and there hasn't been anything I've said out loud about the thoughts swirling in my head that he hasn't been able to relate to. I see how grounded he is most of the time now and it gives me hope for myself.
It's been 11 days since I looked at that first half of a pill in my hand and said to it, "okay little pill, do your magic." Forty years of resistance to taking such a step challenged when I swallowed it.
My brain is so much quieter. My feelings of being overwhelmed have shrunk considerably. My sleep - oh Lordy - I need my sleep. I've had five nights of solid sleep. What a difference that makes.
Here's to expanding bandwidth. To being wrong and having enough support to make a different decision. A life changing one.
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