A hard doctor's appointment this week left me feeling quite judgmental about myself. Then I kicked into my default I'll show you mentality. That only lasted long enough for me to remember that operating out of that paradigm wasn't sustainable or healthy.
In talking about this today in therapy it felt like a lifetime of beliefs came crashing down. I spent the rest of the day bawling my head off any time I talked to Dearest One about my appointment. I couldn't even tell him how grateful I am for my therapist without being a weeping mess.
Maybe a better term than crashing down is opening up. Something shifted. Defense mechanisms relented. Perspective was gained.
It's fucking hard work.