49 and Counting

It's dearest one's birthday today.
Next year will be the big five oh for him.
It freaks him out.
He doesn't feel that old.
He doesn't look that old, either.
One of the most loveable things about dearest one
is that he has retained his ability to be child like.
Not childish.
Child like.
You know, that wonder about the world around him.
He makes life fun.
I hope he has a fun day today.
He left before daylight for work.
I was sleeping. Probably snoring.
He's very hard to buy a present for.
He never gives me a list of things to choose from.
I have to figure it out on my own.
Which I did.
I can get like a kid when I have a present for someone.
In that annoying way - like Garfield's dog friend.
Sorry, it's too early for me to remember his name.
But I do get kind of yappy/jumping up and down
when I have a surprise for you.

I don't mind getting one year older.
It means I got to live this long.
That is a gift.
Pure gift.
Which is really something to jump up and down about.
Happy birthday dearest one.

Of Muscles, Spoons and Sleep

There's nothing like sitting behind a desk all day to cure me of spending too much time online at home. My body hurts so much right now I keep holding my breath. My body is screaming at me to take better care of all those muscles. Well, the muscles I would have if I'd been an exercise guru while I was losing weight. I only have those saggy pouches of skin that somehow on the Biggest Loser they don't have. Right, that's because they exercise like mad when they're losing weight. They don't wait until it's all saggy and the muscles that are supposed to be holding up all that skin have atrophied as well. Damn, I hurt.

All that to say I can't sit at my desk at home one more minute.

Before I leave my chair though, I am grateful for several things:

For making it through the day without causing
one single machine in the office to crash.
For figuring out how to do several tasks
that need to done on a regular basis.
That after many tries, many blank emails,
I got a scanned copy to appear in my inbox.

For 800 numbers. I answered the phone and gave people another number to call....you know the one where they know what they're talking about?
I am glad for 800 numbers when I'm the one giving them out.
Not so glad for them when they call me at night
trying to sell me something....like swampland in Florida.
(no offense to floridians)
For not having to walk through all these firsts alone.
For cruise control on my car.
It takes less energy than keeping my foot on the gas.

Despite the physical pain I'm in now, I had a good day.
I like the people I work with.
I have no spoons left but I plan on being in bed before 9 pm
and hope to sleep like I'm dead.
Before that I'm doing yoga
no matter whether I want to or not.
I'm glad I have choices.
I'm glad to be alive.
I'm grateful to have a job.
I'm glad I won't forever be in pain
at the end of every single work day.

Perspective 101

I hope you have a great Monday.
I plan on it.
I will never be a morning person,
one of those so cheerful
you could just clock them
kind of person,
but I am grateful
that morning comes.

We were at the funeral of a young girl
this past weekend.
I've already had close to 30 years more than she did.
God help me have perspective no matter what
circumstances I find myself in today.
Because you are with me in them.

Gimme Gimme

"What if I'm using confession as a means to an end? In the same way I used people for sex? In that gimme, gimme kind of way that is pure selfishness?"

That was just one bit of conversation yesterday during confession with Fr. Charlie. He very gently pointed out that I had no idea how the grace imparted in this Sacrament was going to work its way out in my life. Only that it definitely would.

I'm grateful that I can't figure out how God is going to work in my life. That grace remains a mystery and a gift. While I can be a conduit of it, I can't manifest it.

Over twenty years ago a minister asked me how I defined God's grace. At the time the only working knowledge I had of the word grace was something you said before meals when your grandma was present. So I looked at him and said,in one of the rare moments pre sobriety, "I don't know." A few years ago I found that minister's email address and wrote him about that conversation. I'm still left speechless trying to describe grace but I can recognize it when it pours over me like rain. And give thanks.

Confessionville

"God must have wanted me to get to confession before I hit the ditch."

Fr. Charlie laughs in response to my observation.
My heart rate's been going beserk ever since I nearly landed in the ditch on the way to my appointment. I hit a patch of slushy ice and my tires caught. I headed towards the ditch where another vehicle was already sitting, having hit the same patch of ice. I screamed for Jesus to help me and remembered my manners at the last minute because I added "please" before I stopped screaming. Sometimes I wonder if God isn't up there scratching his head at someone remembering their manners when their life is flashing before their eyes while he knows they forget to say 'excuse me' on a regular basis when they brush too close past someone in a store. Go figure.

Inches from the shoulder of the highway my car went back towards its lane and through the rest of the slushy ice before we hit a dry patch of road. Not sure what the people in the vehicles in the oncoming lane thought as I swerved hither and yon. Within a short distance there were 3 vehicles in the ditch. I slowed down and made my way north towards Confessionville. I thanked God that I was safe. I asked the angels to protect me. I thought about our friend's daughter and wondered why one person is spared and another isn't. I quickly realized there will never be a plausible explanation to that one even though in my head rolled platitudes and well meaning explanations from people I know. Truth is, we simply don't know cause we aren't God. Accepting life on life's terms is a bitch some days. Feels that way anyway.

So I got to Confessionville where Fr. Charlie and I caught up on each other's lives. We laughed, we sat in lengthy silence, we talked nonstop for a bit. And slowly we came around to meaty stuff. The stuff that comes from the gut. My gut. I had a revelation during confession that left me speechless for a moment, wondering if I was going to get brave enough to speak it aloud. After several starts and stops, I did. The tears ran freely. Grace, grace, God's grace, is a beautiful state of being.

On my way back home there was a semi truck freshly pulled from the ditch on the opposite side of the road where I nearly went in. I wondered if there was a priest somewhere waiting for that driver to fess up, too. Not that I was ready to trade places. It does shed a light on keeping to my side of the street, though. Truly. I need all the help I can get to stay out of the ditch.

Mantra Chantra

It looks like a lovely day out there.
I am heading out to see Fr. Charlie in a few hours.
Should be an interesting appointment.
He gave me a talking to a while ago.
He's never done that before.
I needed it.

Tonight there is a Big Book Study happening in town.
If I'm not too tuckered out from travelling
a hundred miles in the opposite direction
I'll head in to town.
Someone from south of the border is coming
to speak in our little neck of the woods.
I know I'm going to be intrigued by his accent.

When I lived in another part of the country
I used to rant about the Canadians there
being so influenced by the Americans
right across the border
that they had adopted their accent.
I don't know why I felt so threatened by that
other than it was a time in our history
where my part of the country was ranting
about separating from the rest of it.
I'd rant about that, too.
I ranted about everything.
When I was drunk I thought I ranted
with a touch of charm.
Ha.

Those of you who've listened to my radio documentary
know I have my very own accent.
I can't hear it.
Isn't that so much like life?
I'm normal, what's your problem?
That was my mantra for ever and ever.

These days I'm glad I am content to be me
and let you be you.
Instead of being threatened by our differences
I can accept them.
I can welcome what we have in common
which is always way more than our differences.
Even if I do end all my sentences with "eh?"

Teary Encounter

This video had me in tears this morning. I found it here.

Why I am Catholic

Hope Rocks

The best thing about this time of year
is that the sun can undo damage in an afternoon.
Snow in the morning? If the sun comes out,
it is gone by the time you're done work.
There are happy pugs sleeping nearby me.
My body is beyond weary this morning but my heart is happy.
I woke in the night and my brain was just waiting to play.
Hard to slow that sucker down in the dark.
I'm scared of the dark, too.
So a nap will be in my forecast this afternoon.

I don't have to go back to work until Monday.
That makes me feel very spoiled.
I have never had a job where I have a desk.
Now I do.
What personal items do you put on your work desk?
About the only thing I know I'm putting there is a clay bowl filled with rocks. I have several rocks with the word "hope" engraved on them.
They will go on the top of the pile.
Everyone needs a touch of hope in their day.

Gratitude

I don't think I will ever be a morning person.
But I can get up at an ungodly hour and be decent about it.
The 12 steps have taught me I get to choose my attitude
especially when I'd rather be asleep.

I did have a great first day of work.
The job is doable.
I can do it.
It's a pretty relaxed atmosphere.
No one is expecting me to be an expert
with only one day of training.
Actually I think the job is going to spoil me.

The powers that be cancelled school buses this morning
due to the snow and blowing snow.
We narrowly escaped being hit by a ding bat who sailed through a stop sign on the other side of the four lane highway and then failed to yield to oncoming traffic, which was us.
I rarely call other drivers names but he did scare me this morning.
That part of me that has a vivid imagination
went on a little jaunt right then.
It never imagines plain old ordinary life. No, it's got to be something like, "OMG she died on her first day of work, she was so stupid dedicated that she drove a hundred 70 miles in a snowstorm to get there on time.
You know, that kind of trip.

Over the past many years I have walked away
from all gossipy relationships.
My new job?
Everyone congregates around my desk
cause it's the hub of the place.
And they talk.
It's not malicious talk but it's talk.
So this should be interesting.
That part of me that thrived on juicy bits of other people's lives?
It's still there.
But I lost my desire to feed it somewhere along the way.
I think it was when dearest one's brother was killed and the rumours
abounded about him being murdered. The gossip wheel went haywire and the reporters phoned every single one of us with the same last name and wanted all the details. None of the immediate family would cooperate.
So on the third page of the newspaper they printed gossip and passed it off as news.
I wrote a letter to the editor asking when did gossip become worthy of the 3rd page?
Anyway, somewhere in there it killed my desire to be a part of the gossip wheel. The only time I want to cave on that is when I'm not willing to look inward and am desperate for some outward looking to boost my ego.

Anyway, it has been a good day.
I was scared I wouldn't be able to do the job
and I found out today those fears were unfounded.
The person who I'm replacing had her last day today
so next week I'm on my own.
I am grateful for having learned how to ask for help
instead of pretending I know it all.
So glad I know my worth is not in knowing but in being.

To top off a really good day my radio documentary is being rerun tonight. If you'd like the details of where to listen to it in the archives drop me an email and I'll tell you.

Gift

New day.
New beginnings.
A winter storm
coincides with my first day of work.
My only day of training.
What's a girl to do?
I've prayed and turned it over.
I'll make my careful way to town.
New days are a gift.

Of Wood Chips & Stone Statues

A friend of mine who I've been hounding to start a blog has done just that. I can still be a first class nag. Check out her marvelous artwork at Wood Chips & Stone Statues. As someone who can't even draw a decent stick figure I am always in awe of those who can do so much more with paint, charcoal, pen and paper.

Coolness

Hip, Hip, Hooray!!
I got the job.
I start on Wednesday.
Cool.
So very cool.
I am thrilled.
(and scared.)

"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a change to float up and it will...." birdie pruitt, Hope Floats

Interestingly enough when I asked about what qualities someone who has been successful in the position I was being interviewed for had, one of the interviewers talked about swimming instead of sinking.

Float away Hope, float away.

Speedy Gonzales Times Two

The sun is streaming in the window as I type.
My head is aching.
Thankfully they make medicine for that.

I accidentally knocked my my hot brown rice cereal, topped with walnuts and dried cranberries, all over the office floor. During the mopping up I concluded the floor had not been washed in a very long time.
I broke my favourite burgundy bowl.
It fit in my cupped hands just perfectly.
Darn.
I did however, go make more cereal.
The dogs didn't know what to make of my clean up dance.
They haven't come into the office since.

Here's a photo of the happy wretches.
They have begun to be terrific playmates.
They race around the house at breakneck speed,
going wherever the chase takes them.

I was sitting on the couch last night, minding my own business,
when their chase included running right across my chest
as if it was a turn in the Indy 500.
I protested but they were long gone.
They make me smile.
Smiling is good.

Pitiful Offerings

"I hate lighting candles."

Those were my gritting my teeth thoughts this morning as dearest one lit the two prayer candles on the table; watching as the new candle inserts grabbed the light and stood straight up. New inserts mean the old ones, all 168 hours worth, have burned out.

We are in the habit of lighting candles for people who are in need of prayer. We have a collection of coloured glass receptacles....the green one I call my hope candle, the beautiful light blue I call my Mary candle. There are purple, green, gold, deep blue and red ones, too. Some days every single one is lit and as I light them I say the person's name outloud as flame and wick connect. Most days it fills me with peace and some days, like today, it seems like such a pitiful offering and totally fucking futile.

I was sitting at the computer this morning, having told you all about my day yet to unfold, the one where I was receiving my 21 year medallion in AA, where there would be cake and good folk to eat it with. I hit publish post and went on my browsing-the-internet way. Right then dearest one's cell phone beeped. It was laying at my elbow so I turned and looked across to see a message from youngest son. He named a young woman from our community and said she'd been killed in a car accident last night. Her mom babysat for us 25 years ago so the connections run deep.

All I could do was grab the cell phone and make a pitiful noise in my throat. I went to the kitchen and showed dearest one the message. What a weird time we live in. We immediately went back to our computers and signed into Facebook, looking for information. Right there was confirmation that what we'd just heard was indeed, true. We then scrolled down screens to read the last FB exchange between mom and daughter just a few days ago before the road trip began. Thoughts of drive safe and I love yous there in black and white.

Shortly after reading this dearest one got up and went to light the candles. The very first time we lit candles for someone was when dearest one's brother was killed, nearly five years ago. We let those candles burn day and night for days. They were little flickers of hope that reminded us of a God bigger than circumstances, who we clung to when life made absolutely not one iota of sense.

There was something in dearest one's actions this morning, maybe the particular way he bent over as he reached the flame to wick that reminded me of that day and I cannot describe how much I hated lighting the candles right then. It's not a stretch to say that there have been thousands of hours of lit prayer candles in our home the past 5 years. Typing that makes me want to cry and cuss at the same time.

My mind was full as I later navigated icy roads a good part of the way to town. Travelling far slower than the speed limit, I had nasty thoughts as people passed me in a hurry to go God knows where. I don't look forward to getting up and talking at my AA birthday meeting, ever. I suspect it's an ego thing and maybe one day I'll have a lesser one than I do now. I don't know why people get all impressed with years of sobriety. Or maybe with my particular years of sobriety. I think I feel pressure to be some poster child for AA. What rubbish on my part. But still I feel it.

A young woman spoke at the meeting today of having previously thought that perhaps when one attained so many years of sobriety they had a perfect, put together life and how much she appreciated that really, we were still so very human and not put together at all. God bless her.

The one thing I do remember saying today was that it wasn't about having a perfect, put together life, but about knowing Who to turn to when life happens; because life happens to us all.

And so I continue to light candles.

Having Your Cake....

I feel good about my interview.
I'll find out next week.
I do hope I get it.
If I don't, c'est la vie.
Wasn't meant to be.
Thanks to working the steps of AA
I can accept life on life's terms.
Today, anyway.

Speaking of today,
right around lunch time,
I will be receiving
my 21 year sobriety medallion.
I love my home group.
There will be chocolate cake
of some sort to share with whoever shows up
to celebrate with me.
Wish you could join me.

Deep Breathing

"I can feel your anxiety."

I was paying for some purchases when the cashier's words
jarred me into awareness.
I was in a hurry to make an appointment.
Her picking up on my anxiety
helped me take a deep breath and relax.
I've thought of her remark quite a bit though since then.
How we pick up on the vibes of other people.

Today is my job interview.
There is a heavy snowfall warning.
I'm a chicken shit winter driver.
I have driven when the snow
was falling so heavily
there were no discernable driving lanes.
Where you couldn't tell the difference
between the ditch and the road.
It isn't fun.

I think I'll be taking a few deep breaths today.
I'm as prepared as can be for the interview.
I read their whole web site,
including a 45 page business plan.
I'll go in knowing that my HP sees a bigger picture
and I can rest in that regardless of the outcome.
Thanks to that cashier I'll be taking a few deep breaths
before I introduce myself.
Aware, once again, that things unspoken get communicated
just as easily as those said outloud.

Hands To Catch Me

The grace of God is beautiful.
I love that one can never predict it's timing.
One day you wake up to find something has shifted inside.
You know you can't take any credit for it.
You wanted it, you hoped and prayed for it
and it was beyond you to make it happen.
But here it is; it's real and deep
and there's no going back.
That's when I know it's real.
No matter how familiar the old way was,
to go back would kill a little piece of my soul.
and something within me says, "No."
And I'm given the grace to keep facing the light.

I've been in therapy the past 18 months
for things pertaining to childhood sexual abuse.
At one point we were ready to
wrap things up and
call it a day.
Then I had a slip when it came to sexual addiction
and that opened a whole new can of worms.
And once that can had been opened
there was no going back, either.
I thought "Oh, shit, shouldn't have been so honest there."
While knowing dishonesty could kill me.
I didn't want to open a new can of worms because
I sometimes feel scared of the process.
Times like that I feel like I'm jumping blindly
of the edge of a cliff,
trusting there are hands to catch me.

A bunch of gunk needed to be scraped off
the edges of a 35 year old wound.
Long held beliefs that were shit really.
The last few weeks I let go
of thought distortions I've held my whole life long.
I'd given them lip service acknowledgement.
Knew they were distortions in my head
but now my heart knows they are bona fide lies.
Do you ever look at yourself and go
"Holy shit, how'd that happen?"
because you're changed and
you didn't do it.
Most humbling.
Fills me with gratitude.
Those shifts give me hope.
Great hope.

Glow Be Gone

So dearest one brought me home some more hair dye.
Youngest son wanted to know if I wanted help
with the highlights
this time around.
He had a kind of devilish grin in his eyes.
I was non commital.

I came out with the highlights finished.
No orange glow this time around, thank God.
Youngest son seemed disappointed
I hadn't sought his help.
Turns out that devilish grin
was him planning on drawing a smily face
out of highlights
on the back of my head.
This is one time when
refusing help
was a godsend.

Choices

Wow. Third post in one day.
Must mean it's time to get off the computer!
I read this originally on recovering wino's blog and wanted to remember it so am posting it here. I recognize myself in all of these although I am grateful that many of them are not my default setting anymore, which is a very hopeful thing:

from Leonard Jacobson's website..

"Childhood Choices


We made choices in early childhood, which were appropriate then, but are not appropriate now, and yet they continue to govern our experience of life at an unconscious level. It would be wise to review those choices made in childhood.
Here is a list of choices typically made when we were very young. Can you identify the choices you made and the consequences that you might still be living with because of these early choices?

I choose to repress the feeling of hurt because it is too much to bear.

I choose to repress the feeling of anger because of a fear of punishment.

I choose to protect my heart, by shutting down to love.

I choose to give up asking for what I want, because I believe I won't get it.

I choose to disconnect from my needs, because I believe they will not be met.

I choose to hide myself from others, because I am afraid of their judgment or disapproval.

I choose not to speak out because no one listens.

I choose to blame as a way of avoiding responsibility.

I choose to live with resentment rather than forgive and release myself from the past.

I choose to be a victim in the hope that someone will rescue me.

I choose to avoid trying because of the fear of failure.

I choose to judge others because I feel judged.

I choose to judge others because it gives me a feeling of power.

I choose to not acknowledge others, because I feel unacknowledged.

I choose to not attend to others because I feel unattended to.

I choose to be in my mind because I am seeking a solution there.

I choose to be in my mind, because I am seeking to escape there.

I choose to be in my mind, because I am hoping to find someone there.

I choose to please or take care of others as a way of being accepted or included.

I chose to energetically withdraw as a way of protecting myself from being hurt.

I choose to be angry or aggressive as a way of gaining control.

I choose to seek attention, acknowledgement and recognition as a substitute for love and acceptance.

What are the consequences that flow from these choices? You would wise to bring these choices to consciousness, review them and revise them."

Oopsy Daisy

So I dyed my hair last night.
Oops.
Big oops.
I got carried away with the highlights.
The top of my head now glows orange.
Somehow methinks that will not make a good impression
at my job interview on Friday.
It might make a lasting impression though.
And all I was trying to do was not show up to the interview
with an inch of peppery grey roots showing.

Dearest one is bringing me home some more hair dye.
You see last time I dyed my hair I asked dearest one
to do the highlights since I can't reach all over the place
to do them.
He was worried they would be overpowering so he went
easy on the highlights.
I wanted to make sure that didn't happen this time around.
They are neon orange glow in the dark overpowering now.

If I get the job, I am going to stop dyeing
my own hair and let a professional do it.
I grit my teeth at the expense.
Couldn't be grittier than I am now, though.

I'd show you a picture.
Youngest son took one.
Dearest one told him he should have waited
until after I'd cooked supper, you know, just in case
I refused after the flash went off.
Between that and the laughter it was tempting.
Although from my vantage point I thought, "wow
he has something to blackmail me with."
I didn't point that out to him.
He promised to delete it (in hopes of getting supper)
and I watched as he followed through.
He must have been hungry.

Love This

You may have seen this video. It was on Oprah last week. I watched several videos about Christian the Lion on youtube. In one he is still quite small and one of the guys has taught him to jump up and hug him around the neck and waist. So it makes sense why he keeps gravitating towards that guy and hugging him. Anyway it made me teary to watch this.

Now

I have a little musical snowman that plays "Let It Snow." I wind it up on the first day of snowfall. If today is any indication I will still be winding it up on the first day of Spring, too. C'est la vie. It does look pretty out there with snow resting on the evergreens.

Dearest one was in a minor car accident last week. Initially he thought he wasn't injured but 24 hours after the accident he started to hurt. He was diagnosed with grade 2 whiplash over the weekend. Not fun at all. It is hard to see him is such discomfort. I want to make it all better but I can't. You know, there wasn't even any damage to his car. Makes us both have a new awareness of those in more serious accidents. He is in terrible pain. Dearest one works in the health care field and is wonderful at what he does. He is also a wretched patient. So, so stubborn.

I have a very full week ahead of me. Thankfully I only have to live it one day at a time. Today. I can do that. I read somewhere online in the past while about someone asking a monk what time it was and he replied, "Now." And then he paused and said, "Now." I've been trying to keep that in mind. It's now. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Not five minutes from now, but now. Now is doable.

Sunshiny Not Whiny

It's been a great day.
New clothes for the job interview
next week.
Lunch with a family member.
Great AA meeting.
Peace within.
Can't get much better than that.

Thoughts To Ponder

If You Knew

by Ellen Bass


What if you knew you'd be the last to touch someone?
If you were taking tickets, for example, at the theater, tearing them,
giving back the ragged stubs, you might take care to touch that palm
or press your fingertips into the crease of a life line.

When a man pulls his wheeled suitcase too slowly through the
airport, when the car in front of me doesn't signal, when the clerk at
the pharmacy won't say thank you, I don't remember they're going to die.

A friend told me she'd been with her aunt. They'd just had lunch and
the waiter, a young gay man with plum black eyes joked as he served
the coffee, kissed her aunt's powdered cheek when they left. Then
they walked half a block and her aunt dropped dead on the sidewalk.

How close does the dragon's spume have to come? How wide does
the crack in heaven have to split? What would people look like if we
could see them as they are, soaked in honey, stung and swollen,
reckless, pinned against time?
~ inwardoutward

Surrender

"Do you realize with what difficulty surrender will come to a fixing, managing mentality? There's nothing in that psyche prepared to understand the spiritual wisdom of surrender. All of the great world religions teach surrender. Yet most of us, until we go through the hole in our soul—our weak spot in the middle—just don't think surrender is necessary."
~ Richard Rohr

Endless

A new day.
Endless possibilities.
Open.
Honest.
Willing.
The grace needed to be all three
will be given.

Control, Anyone?

It's been a day.
A good and full day.
The energizer bunny went to the vet early this morning so there won't ever be any little energizers to follow in her footsteps. She whined all the way to town. Actually she refused to go outside first thing this morning and she hid twice. Eventually we picked her up and carried her outside to do her business. Which was a first. Usually she runs to the door like a 40 something bladder impaired woman I know who is trying to run and cross her legs at the same time, screaming get out of my way, in hopes of avoiding an accident. No such thing this morning. How she knew something was up I have no idea. But she did. And she cried all the way to the vet.

Dearest one called not too long ago to let us know he'd picked her up from the vet and all was well until he was hit from behind. It was a minor car accident with no injuries and we are grateful for that. Youngest son looked at me and said that you know you live in redneck country when your son's ex-girlfriend's sister's ex-boyfriend runs into your dad's car because he wasn't paying attention. Yep. That would qualify as living in redneck country. It's right up there with a cousin from one side of the family marrying a cousin from the other side of the family, which has happened in the last few months. Twice in fact.

I got home in time to answer the phone and on the other end was someone wondering if I wanted a job interview. Why, yes I do. I've been applying for jobs left, right and center, leaving the outcome to a Power greater than me. Now if only that Power could make sure I don't have to wear a bladder control getup any time soon.

More

Dearest one got off the comfy couch yesterday to go and get me some tax forms from the post office several miles away. It was cold and he was tired and still he went. He got there and the postmaster told him to help himself, that there were two copies of all the forms in one package. He held out a package to dearest one who then told him that I'd already wrecked two copies. The postmaster grabbed a handful and said, "In that case, here, you better take more."

Grace Infused

Does grace get infused during our sleep?
This morning I have a tenderness towards life
that seems otherworldly.
Who knows how it happens.
Most likely doesn't matter.
Seems a miracle when it's -41C outside.
Profound gratefulness.
That's my mood today.
Thanks be to God.

Shiver Me Timbers

It's -40C with windchill out there right now.
I'm trying to remember that in a few months
I'll be seeking out the last patch of snow
on the north side of the bushes.
I'll sink my hand in it
and remark on how deliciously
cold it feels.
Which is not how I would
decribe today at all.

Dancer Schmancer

If you need a smile first thing Monday morning then this less than 3 minute video might do the trick!

Mental Gymnastics

Where I grew up there was no such thing as time change.
You'd think after nearly 30 years away from home
I'd get used to changing the clocks ahead and back.
I haven't.
This last time around I simply left my alarm clock alone.
I wake in the night, do the mental gymnastics and am glad
I have an hour more than I thought I did.
Tonight it will sort itself out again.
I'll be on the same time as my growing up years.
For some reason I find comfort in that.

Gratitudinal

The trees are doing their hula hoop dance.
There's snow in the forecast, too.
Between the two
I decided to stay home from my AA meeting today.
I just had a good long chat with my sponsor.
I am grateful that she's in my life.

I'm also grateful that I can choose
to stay home or drive to town.
That I know how to own my choices
instead feeling like I'm a victim.
In therapy we work through
all kinds of thought distortions.
I've had many.
They are decreasing little by little.
I'm grateful that little by little is enough for me today.
No more mountain by mountain necessary.
No more all or nothing.

Dearest one and youngest son have been
house sitting most of the past two weeks.
They are home now and I am glad.
Dearest one has the most beautiful smile.
I love when it lights up his whole face.
When rainbow shaped wrinkles appear above his eyebrows.
He's a keeper.

There's a curling bonspiel
on tv for the next week.
I love watching those games.
These days I do less screaming at the TV
because it makes my heart rate go all wonky.
But I cheer them on inside.

There's a long list of things I could do today.
I am grateful for the energy to do any one of them.
I try not to take my good health for granted.
Choice is a wonderful thing.

Seeping Out Of Her Pores

I had several vivid dreams last night.
This is one of them:

She'd written a list about herself.
She read it outloud to the rest of us gathered round.
It was all negative except for one sentence.
She oozed meanness and her face was hard.
I didn't want to mess with her.
She scared me.

We continued to gather on a regular basis.
After a long time of getting together
she said that this
worked better than prison.

She took out her crumpled list
from long ago.
Her face had lost its hardness.
Her very countenance changed.
She skimmed her list and read out loud
the positive sentence.
She no longer needed to define herself
by her mistakes.

I watched her as she read.
Observed the transformation.
Her face soft and glowing.
The phrase "Love is seeping out of her pores."
came to me. I tried to speak them aloud
but tears rose up within me.
Grace and miracles do that to me.

Generations To Come

I like this kind of creativity. Well worth the two minutes.

Wings Of Warmth

"How can this be your will?" I screamed at the night sky last night when I was looking for little Yoga Pup.
It was a somber mood in the house after we'd spent several hours of looking. I hadn't even gotten dressed when I'd run out of the house to call and search for the little pug. Silk pjs, knee high winter clodhoppers and snow drifts make for interesting companions.

As I lay with my head on dearest one's shoudler last night I sobbed. I don't ever remember crying over a pet before. I always pushed the feeling way down deep. Safest that way. Sobbing is progress.

I chaired the noon AA meeting today. I really needed to talk. I'd spent the morning in a therapy session where tears flowed over other things. Our little meeting that used to have 5 people on a good day has grown. Today there were 18 of us around the table. We couldn't have stuffed many more people in the room. There was a newcomer and someone coming back. It was good to chair and have a reprieve from the tears. As we opened with the Serenity Prayer I silently acknowledged that a missing pug is something I cannot change. Damn.

At one point last night I prayed that if Yoga Pup was out there somewhere and we just hadn't found him, God could You please send an angel to keep him warm.

Angels must have wings of warmth.

This afternoon our neighbour was driving along and saw something black in the ditch a ways from the road. He phoned his wife and told her he thought it might be our missing little pug. She got in her van and drove to the spot and made her way through the deep snow and there was Yoga Pup safe and sound. He had spent the night in the cold and not a coyote got him nor anything else. Angels must have mighty big wings.


I'm on my way home now.
I will probably cry all over again when I see Yoga Pup.
Thanks for all your caring and prayers.
I am grateful.

I Hate Not Knowing

It's nearly midnight.
Time for bed.
Not sure sleep will come, though.
Sometimes it seems impossible
to shut off one's brain.

Little Yoga Pup went missing tonight.
I'd put him and the Energizer Bunny out
to do their business.
He didn't want to go but I picked him up
and put him out anyway.
When I went to let them back in
ten minutes later, Energizer bunny
came running in but Yoga Pup had disappeared.

We've looked for hours and
there is no sign of him.
We are the only people for nearly 2 miles on this road.
The snow is deep.
Every path in the snow from our other dogs is a dead end.
No sign of him anywhere.
There are tracks in the driveway where a vehicle went past
a little ways, stopped and then backed up into our driveway
and then turned and went the other direction.
Maybe someone picked him up.
Otherwise he's been out there too long already
for him to be okay in this weather.
I hate not knowing.
My eyes are sore from crying.

Accepting life on life's terms sucks.

A New Handle

The new little pug earned his blog name yesterday.
He gets up from a nap and puts his front legs together quite a ways in front of himself and pulls back to stretch as if he is doing Yoga. Then he immediately leans forward on his front legs and stretches his back legs out. He follows this routine faithfully every time he gets up. Yep, Yoga Pup he is.

The Energizer Bunny is feeling quite insecure. She usually sleeps on a blanket in the office when I'm in there. Yoga pup has taken to sleeping at my feet. She sat and blocked his entry under the desk yesterday so he couldn't sleep there. She came and slept at my head last night. Two dogs in bed make for not a very good sleep. The Energizer Bunny is kennel trained and all you have to do is tell her it's bed time and off she goes to her kennel. Yoga pup thinks its just another opportunity to play. Normally he sleeps in the same bedroom as the Energizer Bunny but youngest son is gone for a few days so there is no one for Yoga Pup to snuggle with. So after listening to him howl for an hour I decided I'd let them sleep with me last night. It took them an hour and a half to settle in.

Maybe if I do some yoga stretches I'll gain some energy.
Ya think?

Wise Words

"The cards we are dealt in life are what we have to work with. And attitude transforms the most meagre of hands. Gratitude is always an ace."

~ louisey

It's There

"Prayer isn't basically something that we do - it's something that happens in us and the initiative rests largely with God. Prayer, at its base, isn't about my longing for God, it's about God longing for me. If I'm lucky I get to tune in on that periodically. And I think that most people know this at some level. You don't have to be a mystic to experience this, you only have to be human. God reaches out from the center of each one of us, and finds the time and place when we're able to hear this reaching out. Do you know about prayer reaching out for you? Maybe in just a tiny way? I bet it's there, if you look for it. And I'll bet it's telling you something about how you need to pray. And probably also about how you want to pray!
~ from the blog The Prior's Column

Cats Curl Up Together

So dearest one and youngest son brought the male pug home.
He is a sweet little thing.
He is crying for youngest son as I type.
He's been doing that on and off for an hour.
He knows who his master is.
He has the most pathetic little cry.
Poor thing.

I had envisioned a real little buddy for the energizer bunny.
Visions of them curled up together or sitting side by side,
just happy to be together.
I hadn't expected them to curl up on different laps or
in different rooms.
I hadn't expected them to spend an inordinate amount of time
sniffing each other's butts, either.

I was lamenting all this to youngest son last night.
How, in my imagination, I had mistaken pugs for cats.
He got this most devilish grin on his face and said,
"Oh, you had some expectations did you?"
After a slightly stunned oh shit moment
I replied, "Why yes, I did."