The Big Silence

I've been watching this 12 part series over the holidays and have found it fascinating. I am hoping to do a three day silent retreat in 2011.

Best line so far:

"The God you don't believe in is the God that doesn't exist."

Me Nan

I am a bit of an X Factor addict. Every season I wait for the show highlights to be posted on youtube. Then every week after that I am waiting for my fix. The young girl below really captivated my attention even though her kind of music is not my own. I especially like the bit with her "Nan" towards the end of this clip. Just this morning I watched her vlog for this week and when asked what three things she'd want on a island with her one of them was "me Nan" because she said, "I can't live without me Nan." And I love that.

Everyone needs someone to love them so well especially while they are growing up. Some have parents who do that, or a friend, and many have grandparents. One set of my grandparents were that for me as a child. If you have time if you look on youtube for this young girl's live shows 1 through 4 you will see she really has talent. Her live show 4 mesmerized me.



Cher Lloyd - Live Show 1
Cher Lloyd - Live Show 2
Cher Lloyd - Live Show 3
Cher Lloyd - Live Show 4

Hallelujah

I was going to save this one until Easter but I couldn't wait. I hope you enjoy it, too.

Danish? Norwegian?

Being Danish and Norwegian myself, this little video makes me smile.

Crazy On You

"...crazy on you......let me go crazy, crazy on you...."

I was in a grocery store this week when Crazy On You played across the speakers. I stopped and just listened, transported back to my teenage years lying in bed with my ear to a radio. Funny how music can make one feel like they've time travelled.

Most of the music from those years holds no appeal to me now but every now and then a song comes along that makes me feel 15 again.


Photo Credit

Meditation Song

I like most everything this singer/songwriter produces. His songs have often been a comfort to me. I'm not a big fan of Christian music (the term Christian is not an adjective. grrrr) as much of it seems to have cheesy lyrics not based in reality. But songs like this one do. I came across this song online tonight and remembered it being a balm to me more than once.

A Worthwhile 10 Minutes

I found this video link through clicking links on another blog. My thoughts today have been on those who have died recently and those who are fighting to live. I love the mother's countenance especially.

Mesmerized

I have been mesmerized by this video this morning is spite of this not being my kind of music. The boy is going to be on Ellen today.
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Sleeping Perspective

"Way, Hey, Hey, it's just an ordinary day and it's all your state of mind. At the end of the day, you've just got to say, it's alright."

That's the tune that's been going through my head during those fleeting moments of being awaken during the night for two nights in a row now. Yesterday a small bombshell, in the form of an unwelcome announcement, was dropped at work. After bemoaning everything that was newly out of my control I said to my boss, "This is an interesting opportunity to make the best of." Then, to the rest of my coworkers I said, "I'll take it in my stride but I'm going to bitch and moan for a few days first." It was on my drive home from work that those lyrics went through my head.

Last night I dreamed, in a traumatized kind of way, of just how I thought all this out of controllness was going to play out in reality. When I surfaced from being comatose to awake the lyrics went through my head yet again.

Here's the song if you haven't heard it. It's Canadian, too!

New Again

NewAgain
(My favourite Easter video)

A Million Ways To Run

Amusing Myself

That's the way the Pugs look when you ask them questions. Dearest one was asking them if they'd had supper. It's a wonder they didn't look at each other and ask, "Have we?" even though it was before noon.

On a totally different note, I've been busy the last few weekends being with a group of women readying ourselves for a retreat at the end of the month. Sharing my story this time around has left me feeling exhausted and vulnerable. I've long believed that the worst of our lives gets redeemed when we share the reality of it with others. That has motivated me to be as honest as possible when I give one of these talks. As I wrote my story I kept in my line of sight this quote attributed to Ernest Hemingway

"All you have to do is write one true sentence.
Write the truest sentence you know."

I don't know how well I did that because one of my friends came up to me on Saturday to talk to me about my story. From what she said she had me on a bit of a spiritual pedestal. That does not enthuse me at all. True, through some really shitty life circumstances, especially this past year, I have learned to hide myself in the shelter of God's wings. That does not negate my humanity though so I looked at her and said,

"Well, there are days when I say to God, You have got to be fucking kidding me."

She laughed and said, "I gave up that word for Lent. My husband told me yesterday that I wasn't doing so well." I told her I had been so tempted to have that line in my talk but we agreed that it probably would have got critiqued out of it had I done so. And then her face relaxed, and we had the most wonderful conversation about life and God and persevering on our faith journeys.

Later, I thought of this litany of my friend's Lenten word fast (plus some) from the movie In Bruges. If really crude swear words (you mean some aren't crude)offend you, please don't watch it. There's some in that first link that I never use but the movie itself, I love it.

Between that and the Pugs, some days it takes so little to amuse me.

All That I Was Meant To Be

"You couldn't pay me to tell you what I think."

That's what I thought when I was in grade 12 English class and we were dissecting poetry. The teacher had a way of snorting his disgust when we gave the wrong answer and I was not about be his target for the day. Inevitably the answer he was looking for and what the poem said to me were at opposite ends of the spectrum. I was always glad I kept my mouth shut.

It's been nearly 30 years since then and I still don't like dissecting poetry.

I've never been too good at reading between lines or getting the nuances of something. I admire people to whom that comes easily. Black and white has always felt safer to me. That probably has something to do with being raised in a home with ridiculous rules that if I kept, I stayed safe. Well, except when the rules changed depending on my mom's mood. At any rate, following rules has always felt safer than using my noggin' to figure things out. Too many variables in thinking for myself.

Well, let me clarify that. When it came to having opinions of others, whether that be what they thought or what they did,hands down, I was an expert and I wasn't quiet about it. When it came to letting you into that place within me where I came to conclusions about my own thoughts, I wasn't about to let you have a chance to become an expert on my those, so I kept them to myself. Over time I've learned that I am no expert on anyone else's life. I still have my opinions but most of the time they've shrunk down to being my opinions, not God's. Big difference.

Because of my tendency to be a rule follower I have long admired dearest one's ability to see the spirit of something. He can hone in on what's really important while I am often still hung up on the technicalities. I'm learning, but it doesn't come naturally, nor is it where my head goes first. I honestly think there's still a part of me that is expecting to get in trouble for having the wrong answer.

About ten years ago this guy came to the church I was attending back then. I had never heard of the show Intervention nor him. He was just some author that friends of ours admired greatly. I remember sitting in the congregation as he taught; him asking us questions. We were a silent bunch, too scared of one another to speak our mind. At least that's the conclusion I came to. I had answers on the tip of my tongue but I was pretty sure my answers wouldn't match up to anyone else's so I kept my mouth shut. I remember Jeff chiding us a bit for our hesitancy. The answer that was on the tip of my tongue matched up to what he was going to say just about 100% of the time. In those kind of situations I still feel like I am a school kid though, and if I had opened my mouth, I would have expected some kind of gold star recognition for being so smart.

Lord have mercy.

All that to say that I know that this song is not about our relationship with God.It sounds more like a love song about a relationship that is about to end. However, every time I hear the following bit in the song, I feel more like it's the Psalmist talking to God, than a jilted lover talking to their beloved.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

Doing My Heart Good

Some days I watch my favourite youtube videos because they do my heart good. The ones below are among them. Last night I figured out why I like them so much. First, their countenances are very appealing. You know what I mean? There is a joy, especially in the first two, that is infectious. The last man has a sadness that is understandable and a heart that is beautiful. I was in tears at one point watching his bit. They all have a humility about them that is beautiful to see. These three have such a cheerleading squad behind them, both family and friends, and by the end, the audience. They have people in their life encouraging them to reach for that which they were created to do. I sat here and wished that every person alive had one, too. Wouldn't it be lovely if everyone did? Enjoy.



The 6 minute version of the one above is well worth the watch. Embedding was disabled on the longer version so I couldn't post it here.

Full Of Promise

I have always liked this song and this video. A good way to start the day - with gratitude. It is a beautiful day outside - sunny and warm. We spent the evening last night with good friends. Today is full of promise, just waiting to be lived.

**Some people might find the nudity in this video offensive. It is about so much more than that. Which makes me want to go off on a tangent. I spent much of my life only being able to see black and white, what was before me. There was a time when I would have only seen the nudity in this video and for that reason called it bad, incapable of discerning anything deeper than she's naked, omg, close your eyes, get thee behind me Satan. Yep, that really was me at one point. I didn't want to look any deeper at life.(Just ask my kids, they are rolling their eyes with remembering that me as they read this I'm sure.) Nuance, reading between the lines, seeing the spirit of something, was beyond my ability. I have been blessed with friends who have shown me what it's like to see what's written between the lines of life. I continue to learn.**

Of Saints and Jewels

"And lend your voices only
to sounds of freedom.
No longer lend your strength
to that which you wish
to be free from.
Fill your lives
with love and bravery,
and you shall lead
a life uncommon"

~ Jewel's lyrics to Life Uncommon




Today is the feast day of Saint Maximilian Kolbe. I read about him here. As I was driving this morning I was listening to the above song by Jewel, my very favourite one, and couldn't help but think of Fr. Kolbe. How he lived a life of love and bravery and so, a life uncommon. As I listened I thought about Jewel and Fr. Kolbe and how a modern song could point me to a saint.

Peeing On My Feet

Yesterday I drove through miles of flat prairie land.
The kind where you really could see the dog
three days after it ran away,
on that flat piece of land waaay over there.
The prairie will always be my home. There is something soothing about the wind of the prairies, swirling around me like a comforting blanket, that I've never felt living in the tree filled north.

I've made it a tradition to listen to the song below every time I drive this long stretch of road.



The vastness of a prairie sky always leaves me in awe.
As I was appreciating its beauty out of my mouth popped the words,
"Life is a privilege."
Sometimes gratitude takes me by surprise.

I tried to remember what a privilege it was when several miles down the road I was mulling over how to take a roadside bathroom break, where someone's dog might happen upon me, without peeing on my feet. I'd been driving a long time without seeing any trees to hide in. I have perfected on this trip how to park the car just so, so that passersby can't see me doing my business on the side of the road. Sorry if that's too much information. It is however, a handy skill to have, when need be.

If you're wondering why I didn't just stop at a gas station for a bathroom break know that they were so far apart on this stretch of highway that it was either stop on the side of the road or pee my pants.
I know. What does any of that have to do with being grateful for life?
Well, I guess if you're dead you no longer have to figure out how to pee on the side of the road, now do you?

I eventually stopped on a sandy side road. The place where I grew up, and where my folks still live, is all sand. I used to take a tablespoon outside and dig holes in the yard when I wanted to play marbles. That's how soft the sandbed was. My car has sand all over the floor now. It has prairie sage drying on the dashboard, too.

After a 7 hour drive I made it to big city far away; to the comforts of a bathroom, where there is no sand or runaway dogs or any figuring out to do. I took an above ground subway last night for the first time. Today I will lie in one of those very tight MRI tunnels as they take pictures of my heart.

There is heart trouble and then there is heart trouble.
I've had my share of both kinds in the past few months.
Driving along the prairie is a great remedy.

I do love the prairie.
Always will.
Even when I pee on my feet.

New Again

New week.
New day.
New beginning.
New hope.

Broken Open

"Give me your failure, he says and I will make life out of it. Give me your broken, disfigured, rejected, betrayed body, like the body you see haning on the cross, and I will make life out of it. It is the divine pattern of transformation, and it never seems to change. We'll still be confused, but not so confused with our confusion. We'll still have our little anxieties and fears, but we will not be so afraid of our fears. We'll still experience weakness but will not be so weakened by our weakness......Our wound is our way through......We might eventually thank God for our wounds, but usually not until the second half of life....because of that experience [wound], his heart was finally broken open."

~ Richard Rohr in Everything Belongs.

I don't remember experiencing a wound so deep like I am these days, since I had a nervous breakdown nine years ago. I've always said I would never willingly sign up for that kind of pain again, neither would I trade who I became as a result of it. And so I trust that the journey through the wound is worth it.

A few nights ago dearest one was away for night and I was laying awake for several hours when I remembered that Fr. Thomas Keating has said that some people wake up in the night and spend time in Centering Prayer. Instinctively I knew that I was to lay in bed in that position of a baby at sleep in total trust. You know the one where their arms are above their head, in total vulnerability. I told God I would much rather cross my arms across my chest but in obedience I didn't. As my arms went above my head and I consented to God's presence and action in my life I started to cry and cried for a very long time. Eventually the tears stopped and I lay like that for a while yet. The turmoil that has enveloped me for weeks now disappeared and was replaced by peace.

The next morning I woke up and it was still there. I doubted it for a bit - wondering if I'd just gone into survival mode and had shut my emotions down. The peace has stayed through many more tears along with facing deep fears and making serious decisions. I continue to be humbled when God does for me what I cannot do for myself.

The video below has brought me great comfort today. Thanks to Beth for posting it.

Grand Times Two

Have the kleenex ready when you watch this one.