Sunday, December 21, 2008

Crabby and Crabbier

I told Chuck that I'd quit my bitchin' about the weather after seeing this video on his blog. Because I've been crabby and crabbier this weekend, the only sane thing to do is write a gratitude list.

Curling is one of my favourite sports. This whole weekend there's been curling to watch on TV. My friend Karen and I used to discuss the games and call each other just as the last rock of the final game was being thrown. She normally watched curling with her folks. I've often thought of them during this first curling season without her. I am grateful for the memories I have of Karen. I still haven't grasped that she's really gone.

I am grateful that I don't have to try and solve my crabbiness by drinking. And that I don't even want to. There's this fine line between acknowledging how I feel and not letting my feelings rule my life. I'm still learning how to navigate that. Thank God there is lots to learn in life and that God has given me time to continue to do that.

We have Christmas lights on the deck, on the bay window amongst the nativity set, on the tree and on top of the kitchen cupboards. I still feel childlike at the sight of those glittering lights. They are a comfort to me for some reason. I resist taking them down and putting them away. Which is why they stay on the top of my cupboard for years in a row. I'm grateful that there is child like and childish and that I have moments of childlikeness. Not so glad to be childish but hey, hopefully the one will trump the other one day. There is always hope.

I don't remember what I was watching on TV this weekend when I thought to myself, "My God, I am glad I can breathe on my own. Glad I can walk and talk and get up off the couch all by my own effort." I try not to forget what it was like not to have the energy to lift my arms to wash my hair, yet some days I do forget. I am thankful to have my health back to nearly the level it used to be. I have an appointment with the geneticist and cardiologist in Spring. When the geneticist's assistant reminded me last week that this is a disease of peaks and valleys I wanted to protest and tell her that I would only be riding the peaks from now on thank you very much. And for today I do pretty well. I can't even adequately put into words how grateful I am not to have to count my spoon supply on a regular basis.

The cardiologist is hung up on the number on the scale. I was telling my doctor this week that she wouldn't care that I'd lost 50 pounds since I saw her last, she'd only care that the number on the scale still lands me squarely in the obese category. He gave me my most recent blood work report and told me to show her that and try to make her happy. My good cholesterol is up by 30% in the past year and the bad stuff has decreased by 25%. I went from being borderline glucose impaired to being back down in a healthy range. This fits into the 'change the things I can' category and I am grateful.

I am glad to have made it to the shortest daylight hours day of the year. Today there is 7 and a half hours from sunrise to sunset in my neck of the woods. It gets better from here on in. This year I was not counting the days to this day and for that I am glad. Some years I am gritting my teeth in anxiety for this day to get here already.

I am really grateful that crabbiness isn't a permanent state.
I have stuff I can do for others today. Stuff that can get me out of my head and focusing on someone else. Within the four walls of my home. Within phone distance. Within internet distance, too. And I can even make it through one whole post without giving you a weather report. Now, that's something to be glad about.


Anonymous said...

"I am glad to have made it to the shortest daylight hours day of the year. "

Hope, thank you for pointing this out; this year, I've been gritting my †eeth a little, waiting. Amazingly, I'd forgotten this date.

Gratitude. Yes, good reminder.


Peter said...

Crabbiness--the human condition at least some of the time. Put another way, normal. Come to that, so is Hope.

annie said...

You've brightened my morning Hope. Thanks for you example.

Christy said...

I think I met another blogger whose wife has this syndrome......

Never heard of it before, I'm sorry you suffer.

It is cold here in St. Louis today, too. I was going to jog outside--but even I'm not that big an idiot.

Feel better.

daisymarie said...

I smiled to myself as I thought about the days turning around to being longer again. I've been crabbing about the weather too much lately too...thanks for making me think about that and repent.

Unknown said...

I am so grateful for you blog Hope and that your amazing hope, strength, and gratitude shines through. Thank you!