"The comedy of grace is that it so often comes to us as loss, sorrow, and foul-smelling waste; if it came as gain, gladness, and sweetly scented flowers, we would not be grateful. We would, as we are wont to do, take personal credit for the unwarranted gifts of God. It is easy to be attracted to the idea of grace - which one dictionary defines as 'divine love and protection bestowed freely on people' - but much harder to recognize this grace when it comes as pain and unwelcome change. In the depths of our confusion and anger, we ask: "How can this be God's love? Where is God in this disaster?" For grace to be grace, it must give us things we didn't know we needed and take us to places where we didn't want to go. As we stumble through the crazily altered landscape of our lives, we find that God is enjoying our attention as never before. And maybe that's the point. It is a divine comedy."
~ Kathleen Norris in Acedia & Me(emphasis added)
I'd written a whole slew of thoughts to accompany this quote. Then I deleted them. Then I hit the pubish post button. Then I came back to write some more.
I find myself in much need of grace today. This afternoon I'll force myself to have a conversation that I feel not one ounce of courage to have. Earlier this week I told Fr. Charlie I'd have that conversation or would stop bitching to him about this person. Then, to lighten the atmosphere, I told him that I had to have the conversation otherwise I was going to end up in Reconciliation confessing that I'd told this person to fuck right off. And that, with my luck and the offending person's lack of comprehension of the English language, they wouldn't even understand what I'd told them and the wrath would be wasted.
And that would never do.
I know the big girl, sober,grown up thing to do is have the conversation. I will feel better and will go from being reactive to proactive. And I'll have avoided being mean and nasty, too.
I will have done my part and then hopefully can let go of it.
Fear has held me back from having the conversation.
I wish I could elaborate on that part of it here, but I can't.
This person's presence in my life is making me come face to face with some deep rooted fears and so, in that way, they are a gift. Hopefully in time, I'll be grateful for that.