"Give me your failure, he says and I will make life out of it. Give me your broken, disfigured, rejected, betrayed body, like the body you see haning on the cross, and I will make life out of it. It is the divine pattern of transformation, and it never seems to change. We'll still be confused, but not so confused with our confusion. We'll still have our little anxieties and fears, but we will not be so afraid of our fears. We'll still experience weakness but will not be so weakened by our weakness......Our wound is our way through......We might eventually thank God for our wounds, but usually not until the second half of life....because of that experience [wound], his heart was finally broken open."~ Richard Rohr in Everything Belongs.
I don't remember experiencing a wound so deep like I am these days, since I had a nervous breakdown nine years ago. I've always said I would never willingly sign up for that kind of pain again, neither would I trade who I became as a result of it. And so I trust that the journey through the wound is worth it.
A few nights ago dearest one was away for night and I was laying awake for several hours when I remembered that Fr. Thomas Keating has said that some people wake up in the night and spend time in Centering Prayer. Instinctively I knew that I was to lay in bed in that position of a baby at sleep in total trust. You know the one where their arms are above their head, in total vulnerability. I told God I would much rather cross my arms across my chest but in obedience I didn't. As my arms went above my head and I consented to God's presence and action in my life I started to cry and cried for a very long time. Eventually the tears stopped and I lay like that for a while yet. The turmoil that has enveloped me for weeks now disappeared and was replaced by peace.
The next morning I woke up and it was still there. I doubted it for a bit - wondering if I'd just gone into survival mode and had shut my emotions down. The peace has stayed through many more tears along with facing deep fears and making serious decisions. I continue to be humbled when God does for me what I cannot do for myself.
The video below has brought me great comfort today. Thanks to Beth for posting it.