Thursday, March 19, 2009

Hands To Catch Me

The grace of God is beautiful.
I love that one can never predict it's timing.
One day you wake up to find something has shifted inside.
You know you can't take any credit for it.
You wanted it, you hoped and prayed for it
and it was beyond you to make it happen.
But here it is; it's real and deep
and there's no going back.
That's when I know it's real.
No matter how familiar the old way was,
to go back would kill a little piece of my soul.
and something within me says, "No."
And I'm given the grace to keep facing the light.

I've been in therapy the past 18 months
for things pertaining to childhood sexual abuse.
At one point we were ready to
wrap things up and
call it a day.
Then I had a slip when it came to sexual addiction
and that opened a whole new can of worms.
And once that can had been opened
there was no going back, either.
I thought "Oh, shit, shouldn't have been so honest there."
While knowing dishonesty could kill me.
I didn't want to open a new can of worms because
I sometimes feel scared of the process.
Times like that I feel like I'm jumping blindly
of the edge of a cliff,
trusting there are hands to catch me.

A bunch of gunk needed to be scraped off
the edges of a 35 year old wound.
Long held beliefs that were shit really.
The last few weeks I let go
of thought distortions I've held my whole life long.
I'd given them lip service acknowledgement.
Knew they were distortions in my head
but now my heart knows they are bona fide lies.
Do you ever look at yourself and go
"Holy shit, how'd that happen?"
because you're changed and
you didn't do it.
Most humbling.
Fills me with gratitude.
Those shifts give me hope.
Great hope.


steveroni said...

Your 'hope' runs off on me, Hope. Maybe it rubs off on ALL of us? I really 'feel' the Higher Power is working (what's the word?) mightily through these pages of ours.

Owen said...

"Do you ever look at yourself and go "Holy shit, how'd that happen?"
because you're changed and
you didn't do it."

My most honest answer right now would be, Not right now but that's what I would like to have happen.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I have had a couple of those Holy Shit! moments as of late, Hope. Letting go of the fear of allowing myself to heal, yes, letting go of all the bullshit, and realizing that if others choose to hang to theirs, I am powerless over that, and thats OK too, it really is! The wonderful changes God has worked in me are worth all the effort on my part for sure. All it took was letting go of that fear and trusting that God will take of me, and everything no matter what!