"What if I'm using confession as a means to an end? In the same way I used people for sex? In that gimme, gimme kind of way that is pure selfishness?"
That was just one bit of conversation yesterday during confession with Fr. Charlie. He very gently pointed out that I had no idea how the grace imparted in this Sacrament was going to work its way out in my life. Only that it definitely would.
I'm grateful that I can't figure out how God is going to work in my life. That grace remains a mystery and a gift. While I can be a conduit of it, I can't manifest it.
Over twenty years ago a minister asked me how I defined God's grace. At the time the only working knowledge I had of the word grace was something you said before meals when your grandma was present. So I looked at him and said,in one of the rare moments pre sobriety, "I don't know." A few years ago I found that minister's email address and wrote him about that conversation. I'm still left speechless trying to describe grace but I can recognize it when it pours over me like rain. And give thanks.