Sunday, November 16, 2008

Bit By Bit

It's early.
Too early.
I was so determined to sleep in today.
C'est la vie.
I'm listening to goldie oldies on the radio as I type.
Charley Pride and Merle Haggard's singing is comforting to me.

Yesterday I went to my AA meeting and then to a book launch for an author who passed away before her final novel was published. I sat in a room of 100 people realizing how rarely I put myself into a situation where most of the people are strangers to me. This particular author had been very encouraging to me about my writing over the years. She headed up the local writers group and although I haven't been to a meeting in a very long time she continued to call and remind me of the meeting every month. In fact she called just a few days before her unexpected passing. I'd never been to a book launch before so that was a new experience for me (thought of you BP!). Lord willing, I'll have one of my own one day.

Thank you for all your comments yesterday.
I often feel whiny when I ask anything of you.
Like I should just be able to suck it up and get over it.
But it's good to be vulnerable and human
instead of thinking I can do this all on my own.
I can't.
Pretending I never have needs is a lonely place to live.

Yesterday at my AA meeting I was able to share honestly
about the funk I'm in.
One person told me after the meeting to basically get over it.
I thought to myself, "It's way more important that I am honest about the funk I am in than pretending I'm fine." I've spent far too much time pretending in this life and it's never been worth it. I know the funk won't last forever and I just keep putting one foot in front of the other in the meantime. I look at all I have to be grateful for. I try to keep the bigger picture in focus.

There are people around the table who I want to put on a pedestal. They consistently walk the talk. I learn much from their experience, strength and hope. However, the sharing that touches me the most is when they are human and struggling just like the rest of us. It doesn't take away from their journey. It means I can trust them with my stuff.

The main character in my book is trusting that I will tell her story with integrity.
Last night the NaNoWriMo word count was 25,014. It feels like pulling teeth. Sheer grit and determination is what is getting my butt in the chair lately. I suck at commitments. Always have. I resist showing up for anything on a regular basis. I've been working on that character defect for a while now. Show up Hope. Do what you said you would. Expect more of yourself. And bit by bit what I commit to, I follow through on. I don't think I like it any better but it's one area I can grow up in.

Lately the journey has been a combination of knowing when to be gentle with myself and when to kick my own butt. I'm determined to hit the 50K word limit by the end of the month if for no other reason than to prove to myself I can follow through and finish something I started. This past June I told myself I was going to post something on the blog daily. I had a feeling then that I was following through on that commitment in preparation for something bigger. Now that November is here and the book is taking shape, I realize I was training myself to show up for that. In the whole scope of life it's really a small thing but I can feel a shift happening within as I continue to show up and write. Thanks be to God.


Anonymous said...

I'm excited for you doing this Nano thingy and impressed with anyone being able to string together 25G's of words. Don't know anything much about this Nano thing; is there a sharing at the end of the month?

Just to add something to that dream sequence I mentioned; I don't remember looking at the spoons, though I know they were there. My focus was on the knives and forks. Is there an analogy there? :)

Owen said...

ML feel behind this week in her 50Gs and we know the reason was me. She's still enjoying it though and putting in what time she can. I'm proud of her. I want her and I want for you to finish also.

The most telling line in this post for me is "realizing how rarely I put myself into a situation where most of the people are strangers to me." God, help me to step out there more and when I do to try to be open to not templating over them my own judgements and preconceptions. I do not have to agree with everyone but I do have to love them as I have been loved.

Jim said...

Sorry. I missed you somehow yesterday, but get here as I can with the commitments I try to keep. Can't imagine doing 50,000 words on any particular subject, but often wonder what "fun" it might be to try....

thailandchani said...

I really think anyone who would say "get over it" is afraid of facing their own vulnerability. How long had that person been sober?

It seems that longer term sobriety softens those hard edges.


Black Pete said...

You will, Hopester.