Six Years And A Freebie

Edited: Commenter Katie Rae won the draw for the hope bracelet. Katie - I'll be in touch! Thanks for all your comments and well wishes.

Six years ago today I wrote my first blog post. It was a few weeks after I'd been given a diagnosis for my health and felt quite discouraged that there was no magic pill to give me my life back.

I closed the year with this celebration. I began seeing someone for spiritual direction which quickly morphed into counselling. That trust relationship gave me the courage to eventually admit to myself and others that I struggled with this addiction. This is what one of my sessions often went like in those days.

I continued to struggle. I didn't change overnight.

If you have read me from the beginning you know I've experienced parenting nightmares,
spoonless days,
got back to meetings,
and did a radio documentary.

Eventually my chronic illness became less of a daily factor. (That sentence says so much.)

I continued to see my spiritual director.

Life went on.

I completed a life long dream. Although this much distance from that event humbles me. There's a long way to go before it's ready to submit anywhere for publication.

You journeyed with me as I faced the difficult work of healing from childhood sexual abuse.

When these two made their appearance you watched me become someone I never dreamed possible, one of those dog people.

The posts that get the most hits are for belly button birthdays and Thank You For Each Moment.

The one thing I rarely have posted about here is about this program. I post about it today in case someone comes across my blog because they are sick and tired of binge eating, white knuckling it, restricting their eating, any or all of the above. It is this program (which deals with the physical allergy to sugar/alcohol), combined with AA, that has given me a much more stable life. Sugar no longer calls my name and I am grateful.

The link I'm most pleased to have shared is about spoons.

The picture at the top of this post is of a bracelet made by my friend Ellie.

You can find more of her jewelry here.

I'm giving away a bracelet just like that one except it will have green stones because green is the symbolic colour of hope.

To enter the draw for the bracelet (hey lurkers, this includes you!)all you have to do is leave a comment telling me which blog post I linked to in this post you liked the best.
You might read them all, you might read just one.
You might like a different one than what's linked to here.
Just pick one.
I'll draw from all the names entered on the 15th of December.

Happy 6th anniversary to me!

Breathing Healing

Three years ago I wrote this post on my blog anniversary. I missed marking my anniversary earlier this week. I'm re posting here what I wrote three years ago. Still holds true.

"Today is my blog anniversary.....two years ago today I started writing this blog.
What can I say?
I am a writer.
I have a voice.
I am truly on a journey.
I need to journey with others.
Exposing my humanity to you will not get me stoned.
It might make me wish to get stoned :)
but even if I did
I am loved even in the midst of much sin.
Confessing my sin will not diminish my worth.
Failing is not the end of the story.
Having an audience watch
Christ peel back
the layers of my woundedness
and breathe healing on them
will not kill me.
Healing is possible.
There is hope.
Always."

Pre Kindergarten

It's my blog anniversary today.
In blog years I'm in pre-kindergarten.
As a 4 year old there is hope for me yet.
That is good, good news.

I'd have to say that writing these posts
has been life changing.
Seriously.
That's not an exageration.
Damn. I can't figure out how to spell that word.
I feel cross eyed when I look at it.
But I do try not to live it.
Spell check has no suggestions for me, either.
Which means I've spelled it wrong by a long shot.
Exxagerate?
Exagerrate?
Good grief.
Exaggeration.
Now that looks plainly stupid.
But it's right.

Isn't that just like life sometimes?
Looks plainly stupid.
Feels plainly stupid.
Because of a warped sense of reality
and a good dose of denial
doing something a different way
looks ridiculous sometimes.
But notice I can spell
reality
and
denial.
There is hope for me yet.

Anyway, writing these posts
has been life changing
because it's freed me to look at myself.
Freed me to ask for help.
Freed me to get some help.
To grow and change in ways
I never could've predicted.
And that's a good thing.

Some of you have been with me from the beginning.
Through thick and thin.
Ha. Thicker me and thinner me.
Seriously. Thicker and thinner me means diddly squat
in the whole scope of life.
There's been some pretty sick shit on this blog at times,though.
And swear words, too.
Although I'm trying to stop using them so much.
I heard at a Round Up this past Fall that
as sober alcoholics we don't need to talk like that anymore.
Cover your ears fellow pre-kindergarteners because
I instantly had the urge to say 'fuck' over and over and over again.
Instead I pondered whether I was capable of swearing less.
I decided I wanted to try.

I think I love the word hope more than ever.
I have more of it now than I did 4 years ago.
I'm so glad hope is not a swear word.
May it continue to grow in us all.

You Can Look Back But Don't Stare

Today's title comes as a direct quote from my addictions counselor.

Three years ago today I created this blog. If you've ever wondered how I came up with my blog name you can read about it here. I started the blog to prove to myself that I could show up and write. At the time I read two different blogs and had no idea there was an abundance of blogs out there. I don't remember how I came across your blog, do you remember how you found mine?

What a lot of life in the past three years has made its way to these pages. You have been a big part of my recovery journey. In a few days I will celebrate 6 months of abstinence from binge eating, and 13 months abstinence from sexual addiction. Your prayers, encouragement and acceptance have helped me along the way.

The post that got the most comments (when I used haloscan) was when I came clean about my struggle with sexual addiction. I had many relapses before I was able to get more than a few months of abstinence behind me. By the grace of God today is day number 388. You held me up in prayer when I went to treatment this past summer. 19 years of being on a dry drunk came to an end with my reaching out and asking for help.

You supported me as I struggled to learn how to manage my spoon supply. I still marvel that spoon counting is not the driving force in my days now although as life would have it, today is one where I have very few. I've progressed from being able to walk to the end of the driveway and back (and that on a good day) to walking 7 to 10 miles a week. I thank God every single day I can go for a walk. The ability to do so still makes me giddy with joy.

You've listened as I've processed sessions of spiritual direction with Fr. Charlie. You've often left comments or written emails that have spoken to the deepest parts of me. Ones that have evoked everything from tears to laughter and deep reflection.

You've walked with me as I navigated an empty nest and the challenge of having adult children. You've journeyed with me as dearest one and I continue to make our way through married life together. We are ever growing and changing in our relationship.

All this to say thank you.
Thank you for reading
and commenting
and walking beside me.
I am richer for it.