Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Belly Button Birthday

45 years ago today my mom nearly gave birth to me in a bedpan. At 2lbs. 11oz. it's really a miracle that I lived. At one point in my 3 month stay in the incubator, I lost 9 of those precious ounces.

My best birthday present of all time was an orange banana seat bike when I turned nine. My grandma watched me ride around and around the yard until I finally found my balance and rode off into the sunset my bike until bed time.

It's been a quiet, but good day. For so many years I wanted the hoopla to come and surround me and I was always disappointed when it didn't. This year, the hoopla is in my heart. This quiet knowing that I count. It's the first year I've ever experienced that. On my birthday, I mean. The pressure I've put on others over the years to reassure me that I matter, especially on this day, must have felt like I was trying to suck the very life out of them. How do you satisfy a soul whose hunger is never ending? Who is trying to get life from another life instead of from the Source? Very difficult. Impossible. Ack. This quiet knowing that I count is a gift all of its own.

I do have 100 birthday buckaroos wearing a hole in my pocket though. If you only knew how difficult it is for me to spend money on me. There's a mulitude of different places I could spend it. Indecision and hand wringing will most likely occur before I part ways with it. I am a hoarder by nature. It's hard for me to trust that I won't lack. I've spent so much energy convinced it was up to me to arrange life so that I wouldn't. Kind of like, OMG if I spend this $100 on me, the well will dry up and we will starve to death. That's me and money. Including birthday gift money. Sigh.

Maybe I need to go for a bike ride until I find my balance again.

14 comments:

Poor Mad Peter said...

The last time I heard the term "belly button birthday" was from a friend of Bill W's--the same man I mentioned in an earlier response who went rehab and truly recovered.

Happy happy Hopey.

Jackie said...

Birthday money? And you hate spending money on yourself huh??? I have two words for you, DAY SPA! That way you won't buy something and hoard it, but you will be treating you and only you to some special time. You deserve it girl!

oh ya, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday, (((Hope!!!))) Wow, you were a little one!

love,
Mich

P.S. love the new look

onionboy said...

Going for a bike ride is always good for the soul. Happy B day girl and God bless you in the coming year. Your friend in the south of the province.

O
::thrive
luminousmiseries
onionboy.ca

wilsonian said...

Happy Birthday!!
Surely the greatest gift this year is peace. Wow!

annie said...

Happy birthday, girl!!

Antony said...

Happy Birthday, Hope!

Sue said...

Happy Birthday Hope! God's blessings to you.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, Hope. May the Lord bless you with many more birthdays! And may each one be happy. (((hugs)))

Love you lots.

A Not So Anonymous Friend

Jim said...

Happy Birthday, ma'am! Good to read of peace in your heart.....

Jennifer said...

A very happy birthday, with warmest wishes for a hopeful year ahead.

bobbie said...

how the HELL did i miss your birthday?

gosh, i am so sorry hope!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY dear friend!

love you so much!

beth said...

Happy birthday...

I think that 'quiet knowing' thing is a gift from God in our forties. I got there, too.

Enjoy every cent.

daisymarie said...

Oh my dear one! I'm so sorry I missed your special day. I hope you find a wonderfully and completely indulgent way to spend your green....just consider it an investment in your mental health!!!