Wake Up

Early, early, way too early, Monday morning.
I opened my eyelids and started planning my week almost immediately.
My body said, "sleep dammit", and my mind said "time's a wastin'".
My mind won.

Four years ago today I was received into the Catholic Church.
I rarely talk about that stuff here.
Why?
It's a toss up between it being intensely personal and private
and not wanting to offend people with what I believe.
What some people see as signing up for bondage
has been one of the most freeing decisions I've ever made.
Jesus' words: But who do you say that I am?
continue to challenge me on a daily basis.
Enough said about that.

In the comments yesterday Steve talked about how humble pie doesn't taste the best.
I agree.
I'd written that I'd take it over eating a hamster.

I've been thinking about that.
Had I simply eaten a hamster I would have come home and very likely torn a strip off of dearest one. At the very least I would have come home with a self righteous little attitude even if I never opened my mouth.
Both so wounding to our relationship and to our souls.
If you only knew the damage I've done over the years
with my triumphalism.
It ain't been pretty.

Eating humble pie, however.....puts things in perspective
and brings life instead of death to what really matters.
I just want to spend more energy on that in the end, you know?
Lord have mercy.

It doesn't mean I don't enjoy being right,
even at someone else's expense.
I can down right delight in it.
But the payoff has shrivelled over time.
In the long run it leaves me in a lonely, alone, smug place.

Oh, don't worry.
I'm not a saint.
Don't we know that.
A saint in the making, yes.
Aren't we all.
I have enough foibles to weigh me down
without eating another morsel of Christmas baking.

But the goodness that is inherent in all of God's creation?
I want that to grow.
In me.
When I enter into centering prayer I often visualize
a burning ember within me
a symbol of God's spark
alive and waiting.
I ask for the breath of God to blow on it
make it burn brighter, stronger, bigger.
And when all is said and done,
In those moments when I've climbed onto my high horse
and am looking down at whoever I feel self righteous towards
I have a choice.
Always a choice.

Lord have mercy.

Showing Up Part Three

Dearest one and I both had appointments in town today.
When we woke up neither of us felt like
going through the motions of getting ready and heading out the door
for a 150 km round trip.
Energizer bunny looked sad that we were going away.
But here we are.
Tired, but here.

In therapy today I looked at a list of questions
about the process of zoning out in the midst of my day.
I think it is so second nature to me to do so that to
identify when I'm doing it is going to take some work.
Never mind assessing what I do not only in my head but in my body
when I check out of the present moment.

No wonder I've had such a struggle
with being disciplined
in contemplative prayer.
But this is the second week
of consistently showing up for those 20 minutes set aside
to be present in the moment.
I used to look at the timer when I'd sat for 10 minutes.
Often feeling like they were the longest 10 minutes of my life.
Now I look when there's anywhere from 1 to 4 minutes left.
Being quiet, being present, being open.
Who would have thought it would be so hard.