That Mysterious Wedding

"Oh, good. If you're working from home, you'll clean your desk."

That was last week. The roads were too icy to travel so I'd brought data entry stuff to do from home just in case. Dearest one has a hard time reconciling my spotless desk at work with my messy one at home. I don't.

At work my desk is the first one the public sees when they walk into our building. I'm the first person they come in contact with. It's important to me to represent our company well. Plus I'd be very inefficient at work if I didn't keep track of paperwork in a timely manner. And most likely fired as well. Although I have to admit that last week, when I was doing data entry, the disappearing information, hidden in yet another screen, felt like looking under piles of paper on my desk, saying "It was here just a second ago!" Five hours of that made me realize I prefer going to the office to work.

The truth be told, I did have cleaning off my desk on my to do list last week.
Today I am finally making it happen.

Amid the three catalogues, 4 magazines, and 5 books I've unearthed so far there have been dozens of little pieces of paper, too. About half can be tossed. Christmas lists of things to do are behind me for another year. Every once in a while I scrunch up my face and wonder why I wrote down a name I can't recognize or some words that make absolutely no sense. And then there are the scraps of paper holding information I need transfer before I can let them go. The one in the photo above grabbed my attention as I was sorting. I have no idea where it came from. Most likely from somewhere on the web.

There was a time when I would have used that quote to measure myself, beat myself up, be discouraged with who I am. Told myself that I was not good enough, had to try harder.

Today I'm pondering it, wondering what it has to say to me, if anything.
If I can't accept that who I am in this minute is enough then there's a good chance that my striving to do better is ego driven.
I can do better, but not on my own strength.
Change is that mysterious wedding between my willingness and God's grace.
I really believe that even my willingness is a grace, too.

The Next Right Thing

I really liked this Zen Story.

~ via

So often I resist doing the simplest next right thing because I am looking for something more important to do. I often find it hard to do the simplest thing in front of me. Sometimes I put my feet flat on the floor just to remind myself to be in the here and now instead of the past or future.

Amusing Myself

That's the way the Pugs look when you ask them questions. Dearest one was asking them if they'd had supper. It's a wonder they didn't look at each other and ask, "Have we?" even though it was before noon.

On a totally different note, I've been busy the last few weekends being with a group of women readying ourselves for a retreat at the end of the month. Sharing my story this time around has left me feeling exhausted and vulnerable. I've long believed that the worst of our lives gets redeemed when we share the reality of it with others. That has motivated me to be as honest as possible when I give one of these talks. As I wrote my story I kept in my line of sight this quote attributed to Ernest Hemingway

"All you have to do is write one true sentence.
Write the truest sentence you know."

I don't know how well I did that because one of my friends came up to me on Saturday to talk to me about my story. From what she said she had me on a bit of a spiritual pedestal. That does not enthuse me at all. True, through some really shitty life circumstances, especially this past year, I have learned to hide myself in the shelter of God's wings. That does not negate my humanity though so I looked at her and said,

"Well, there are days when I say to God, You have got to be fucking kidding me."

She laughed and said, "I gave up that word for Lent. My husband told me yesterday that I wasn't doing so well." I told her I had been so tempted to have that line in my talk but we agreed that it probably would have got critiqued out of it had I done so. And then her face relaxed, and we had the most wonderful conversation about life and God and persevering on our faith journeys.

Later, I thought of this litany of my friend's Lenten word fast (plus some) from the movie In Bruges. If really crude swear words (you mean some aren't crude)offend you, please don't watch it. There's some in that first link that I never use but the movie itself, I love it.

Between that and the Pugs, some days it takes so little to amuse me.

Toe Wisdom

"I"ve learned to be careful whose toes I step on because they might lead to the butt I have to kiss tomorrow."

This quote made me laugh when I heard it yesterday.

Unerring Instinct

"...couples choose each other with unerring instinct for finding the very person who will exactly match their own level of unconscious anxieties and mirror their own dysfunctions, and who will trigger for them all their unresolved emotional pain."
~ Gabor Mate

Really Truly

I loved this saying when I read it here.

Don't believe everything you think."

I need that tattooed somewhere I could see it all the time.
Most likely my navel. :)

Being Human

"God apparently loves freedom as much as incarnation. And that is the rub of time and history and our interminable groanings. We are the victims of our own freedom and our bodily incarnations. God took that great risk in creating free human persons, and we must take it too. Doing it perfectly is not the goal, doing it is the goal.

The sons and daughters of God tend to be afraid of freedom and do not trust incarnation. We would rather hide behind the securities of law instead of taking God’s risks. We would rather be “spiritual” than just being human."

Adapted from Near Occasions of Grace, p.5

~via

Two Beautiful Daughters

This one's a little touche for me right now:

"Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are anger and courage. Anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain as they are."- St Augustine

~via Waving or Drowning?

A Gift

~ht to Just Be Real

No Resistance

"You cannot live in the present or be present with your mind. It happens on a body level when you are fully attentive and offering no resistance to the moment."

From Richard Rohr's The Gospel of Mark (Tape 14)

Of Belly Buttons And Thanksgiving

The two tops hits I get on my blog are for
a poem by Ted Loder called
Thank You For Each Moment.

and for belly button birthdays.

Both seem appropriate to repost today.
Tomorrow is my belly button birthday and I'll be turning 47.
I am grateful for every year I get on this earth.
I was born way too early in a time where preemie babies rarely made it.
Every day is a gift.
So it seems a good time to reprint the original poem by Ted Loder:

Lord, thank you for each moment,
for the blue-sky moment,
the softening earth,
the refreshing wind,
the yellow bush,
for my full heart
and the joy rising in me.

Soften me
to receive whatever comes as a gift
and to praise you in it.

Lord, thank you for each moment
for the twilight moment,
the pause,
the good tired,
for the quiet reflection,
the slowing down,
the mysterious sunset,
for the wisdom growing inside me.

Gentle me
to feel whatever comes as a gift
and to praise you in it.

Lord, thank you for each moment,
for the midnight moment,
the loneliness,
the fretful wondering,
for the watchful stars,
the long ache,
the sleepless wait,
and the hope straining in me.

Focus me
to see whatever comes as a gift
and to praise you in it.

Lord, thank you for each moment,
for the high-noon moment,
the job,
the necessary routine,
for the sweaty struggle,
the impulse to change,
and the courage gathering in me.

Ground me
to wrestle with whatever comes as a gift
and to praise you in it.

Lord, thank you for each moment,
for the shared moment,
the listening,
the unguarded word,
for the fragile openness,
the ready smile,
the accepted difference,
for my passionate heart
and the trust rooting in me.

Stretch me
to grow with whatever comes as a gift
and to praise you in it.

Thank you for each moment,
for the charged moment,
the confrontation,
for the hard decision,
the unexpected growing,
for my intense heart
and the truth expanding in me.

Free me
to be open to whatever comes as a gift
and to praise you in it.

Thank you for each moment,
for the holy moment,
the music,
the child's eyes,
for the sunlight,
the touch,
the tears,
for the trembling pleasure,
the unutterable beauty,
for the life and love and heart in me aware,
and the wholeness spreading in me.

Touch me
through whatever comes as a gift
That I may be grateful
and praise you in it.

~from Guerrillas of Grace by Ted Loder

Love

"Love seeks not its own."

Out Of The Way

"Let us be present to the now.
It’s all we have and it’s where God will always speak to us.
The now holds everything, rejects nothing and,
therefore, can receive God, too.
Help us be present to the place we’re most afraid of,
because it always feels empty, it always feels boring,
it always feels like it’s not enough.
Help us find some space within that we don’t try to fill
with ideas or opinions.
Help us to create inner space,
because you always show yourself best where we are
hungry and empty.
Keep us out of the way,
so there is always room enough for you.

Amen.

From Hope Against Darkness, p. 122

When I read quotes like that one above I tend to think, "Oh God, help me create inner space now." Without all the awareness and surrender creating inner space demands. I want results now when inner space, being present, is a journey. There's that pull between recognizing the beauty of the above quote and sometimes wanting that kind of result more for my own ego gratification than for any glory God might get. Which, if it was an instant happening for wretched reasons, wouldn't be the real deal anyway. So there you go. I'm just talking outloud here. Letting you know what goes on inside my head at times.

I'm getting ready today for a women's retreat that starts tomorrow night and lasts throughout this long weekend. As one of a dozen or so speakers on the weekend I always wonder if speaking at these things is an ego grab for me. I enjoy public speaking. I enjoy sharing my story thus far. I don't like being seen as anything except an ordinary women walking the path. For the most part. These things can feed that place in me that likes applause and attention. So I pray a lot when I write the talk, I pray a lot before I give it, and I need to pray the most afterwards. When women come up and talk to me because of the difference between where I was and where I am now. There is always that tension between wanting to keep out of God's way and wanting the limelight. I wish it wasn't so. I pray that God gets the glory. I don't know how it works really. I just know that I'm not where I'm at in the journey - as if that is somewhere anyway - on my own steam. Where I got on my own steam is a whole other story. And I share that in the talk as well. Anyway if I come to mind this weekend, say a little prayer for me, that my ego will be kept in check and that I am given the grace to stay out of God's way.

Sign Of Faith

"We are all a little bit angry with God because we never expected a tragedy this big," L'Aquila Archbishop Giuseppe Molinari told the faithful gathered in a tent. "But even anger toward God is a sign of faith."

~ Bishop from the Italian region hit by an earthquake earlier this week.

Coolness

Hip, Hip, Hooray!!
I got the job.
I start on Wednesday.
Cool.
So very cool.
I am thrilled.
(and scared.)

"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a change to float up and it will...." birdie pruitt, Hope Floats

Interestingly enough when I asked about what qualities someone who has been successful in the position I was being interviewed for had, one of the interviewers talked about swimming instead of sinking.

Float away Hope, float away.

Choices

Wow. Third post in one day.
Must mean it's time to get off the computer!
I read this originally on recovering wino's blog and wanted to remember it so am posting it here. I recognize myself in all of these although I am grateful that many of them are not my default setting anymore, which is a very hopeful thing:

from Leonard Jacobson's website..

"Childhood Choices


We made choices in early childhood, which were appropriate then, but are not appropriate now, and yet they continue to govern our experience of life at an unconscious level. It would be wise to review those choices made in childhood.
Here is a list of choices typically made when we were very young. Can you identify the choices you made and the consequences that you might still be living with because of these early choices?

I choose to repress the feeling of hurt because it is too much to bear.

I choose to repress the feeling of anger because of a fear of punishment.

I choose to protect my heart, by shutting down to love.

I choose to give up asking for what I want, because I believe I won't get it.

I choose to disconnect from my needs, because I believe they will not be met.

I choose to hide myself from others, because I am afraid of their judgment or disapproval.

I choose not to speak out because no one listens.

I choose to blame as a way of avoiding responsibility.

I choose to live with resentment rather than forgive and release myself from the past.

I choose to be a victim in the hope that someone will rescue me.

I choose to avoid trying because of the fear of failure.

I choose to judge others because I feel judged.

I choose to judge others because it gives me a feeling of power.

I choose to not acknowledge others, because I feel unacknowledged.

I choose to not attend to others because I feel unattended to.

I choose to be in my mind because I am seeking a solution there.

I choose to be in my mind, because I am seeking to escape there.

I choose to be in my mind, because I am hoping to find someone there.

I choose to please or take care of others as a way of being accepted or included.

I chose to energetically withdraw as a way of protecting myself from being hurt.

I choose to be angry or aggressive as a way of gaining control.

I choose to seek attention, acknowledgement and recognition as a substitute for love and acceptance.

What are the consequences that flow from these choices? You would wise to bring these choices to consciousness, review them and revise them."

Thoughts To Ponder

If You Knew

by Ellen Bass


What if you knew you'd be the last to touch someone?
If you were taking tickets, for example, at the theater, tearing them,
giving back the ragged stubs, you might take care to touch that palm
or press your fingertips into the crease of a life line.

When a man pulls his wheeled suitcase too slowly through the
airport, when the car in front of me doesn't signal, when the clerk at
the pharmacy won't say thank you, I don't remember they're going to die.

A friend told me she'd been with her aunt. They'd just had lunch and
the waiter, a young gay man with plum black eyes joked as he served
the coffee, kissed her aunt's powdered cheek when they left. Then
they walked half a block and her aunt dropped dead on the sidewalk.

How close does the dragon's spume have to come? How wide does
the crack in heaven have to split? What would people look like if we
could see them as they are, soaked in honey, stung and swollen,
reckless, pinned against time?
~ inwardoutward

Surrender

"Do you realize with what difficulty surrender will come to a fixing, managing mentality? There's nothing in that psyche prepared to understand the spiritual wisdom of surrender. All of the great world religions teach surrender. Yet most of us, until we go through the hole in our soul—our weak spot in the middle—just don't think surrender is necessary."
~ Richard Rohr

Wise Words

"The cards we are dealt in life are what we have to work with. And attitude transforms the most meagre of hands. Gratitude is always an ace."

~ louisey

It's There

"Prayer isn't basically something that we do - it's something that happens in us and the initiative rests largely with God. Prayer, at its base, isn't about my longing for God, it's about God longing for me. If I'm lucky I get to tune in on that periodically. And I think that most people know this at some level. You don't have to be a mystic to experience this, you only have to be human. God reaches out from the center of each one of us, and finds the time and place when we're able to hear this reaching out. Do you know about prayer reaching out for you? Maybe in just a tiny way? I bet it's there, if you look for it. And I'll bet it's telling you something about how you need to pray. And probably also about how you want to pray!
~ from the blog The Prior's Column