Saturday, July 28, 2007

Merciful Compassion

This will be my last post before I go for treatment at the local Alcohol and Drug Abuse center August 4th to 24th. This morning I attended my AA home group. I realize many enter rehab without a supportive group of people behind them. I am blessed to have support from several different communities, inlcuding online.
Thank you.

I am also asking prayer for my mom, the alcoholic of my childhood,who is still actively drinking. I had a long chat with her yesterday. It took me most of the conversation to clue in that she'd been drinking. She has congestive heart failure with permanent damage to 50% of her heart. Drinking can hasten her death.
For many years all I had towards her was intense anger. There was a time, right before I sobered up, that I swore if I heard her voice all that would come out of me was a never ending scream. The more I do recovery work, the less anger I have towards her. Facing my own demons and shortcomings has helped me look at her with compassion, knowing she judges herself harshly for making a lifetime of choices that have damaged every relationship she's had. My prayer is that I don't add to her condemnation. There is a part in the Big Book of AA that talks about an alcoholic pointing out every flaw in every situation and person because they want perfection and think everyone else does, too. That sums up part of my mom's story and certainly my own as well.
I also know that there will be a chunk of time devoted to working through my childhood issues concerning my mom while I am in treatment.
Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.

21 comments:

renee said...

much love, prayers, hope, light and peace to you. thank you for being brave.

gracie said...

May your Hope and Courage increase,
May pain and suffering decrease,
And let mercy be poured out without measure!

Poor Mad Peter said...

God's Grace on your journey, Hopester.

onionboy said...

The Lord bless you and keep you and make his face to smile upon you. Thinking of you Hope.

daisymarie said...

amen.

nwc said...

Know that you will be in my prayers the whole time you are there.

Steve F. said...

You set me to weeping with your comment on my blog, Hope - tears of hope, and renewal, and joy that our Higher Power has woven our lives together. It was exactly what I needed to hear today - thank you.

A friend often says that everyone in recovery comes to the first step with (a) a problem with God, (b) a problem with conscience, (c) a problem with sex, and (d) a problem with parents. I, too, still struggle with my parents - though both of them have "gone on" years ago. It is a sign of your progress in recovery that your mother does not dominate your life as she once might have!

In more than one way, I am envious of your time for treatment, even though I know it will not be fun, nor a "vacation." But my denial is in believing that if I had 3 weeks off, I would actively seek to transform my life, rather than just blogging and avoiding pain (as I am still wont to do, on occasion). But there is much that could benefit from downtime and structured recovery work. Maybe you will be reminding me of this, some day.

I have my own demon to face this week - on Thursday, I am going in for an ultrasound of my armpit areas. My father died at 54 of lymphoma - and 4 months after my 50th birthday, I've begun to notice some areas of tenderness in both underarm areas. My mind tells me, "You're taking action; it's the right thing to do; it's all you CAN do," even as a little part of it is over in the corner, balled up and screaming, "Why bother?? You're going to DIE anyway, just like he did..." (Such a cheery bastard, that little guy is...)

So we will each be walking a challenging road, it would seem...

Reading your post, I am reminded of the song by the one-hit group Mr. Mister:

When I was young I thought of growing old,
Of what my life would mean to me -
Would I have followed down my chosen road,
Or only wished what I could be?...

Kyrie Eleison
Down the road that I must travel
Kyrie Eleison
Through the darkness of the night
Kyrie Eleison
Where I'm going will you follow
Kyrie Eleison
On a highway in the light...


I would remind you that if you are walking hand-in-hand with God, and we are walking hand-in-hand with God, then you and we are walking hand-in-hand - no matter how far apart we are. Simply hold our your hand, and trust that we will be there.

Or, as my first sponsor said, time and time again, "I'd tell you to 'go with God,' but fortunately for us, neither one of us gets a vote on that one..."

Katie M. said...

good luck. you can make it.

Sue said...

Prayers in abundance for you Hope.

daisymarie said...

Holding you up in prayer!
Warmest hugs to you!

Steve F. said...

I was at the Raab Rd. meeting in Swanton, OH today with a newcomer, and I've been thinking of you all day. My prayer is that the love of your Higher Power will surround you like a cool breeze on a hot summer day. And like Garrison Keillor's "Powder Milk Biscuits," that Power will hopefully give you "the strength to do what needs to be done..."

All my hopes and prayers for you, Hope.

PondererGirl said...

Just found your blog courtesy of "next blog". Your honesty and transparency are much appreciated. All God's best to you in the next weeks and years.

Shotting Death said...

The way ponderergirl find your blog was just like mine.

Just wanna leave this word here once again:

-Brave

Leaving with a hoping smile.

Judith said...

You go, girl. You're in my prayers.

Deb said...

You're in my prayers too...

Sue said...

Still in my thoughts and prayers. Hope that this reaches you. Blessings to you Hope.

curious servant said...

My wife and I are struggling in our marriage. Her addictions, my failures as a husband, her... well, I just want to say... I was thinking about your struggles and I came here today to just draw a little nearer to someone I know would understand what w are going through.

I am glad you are taking care of these matters.

God bless.

anj said...

Thinking of you tonight, holding you in the unlimited vastness of the Light.

ron said...

Hope thinking and praying about you and your mom this evening. I had just read Colossians, how Jesus holds all creation together, from atoms, to mountains...to people. That in the cross, in this continuing process of new creation...all the broken pieces begin to fit together...becoming whole.
That's my prayer Hope, that in this divine mystery and miracle...may Jesus bring about wholeness in the life of you and your mom.
Shalom...Ron+

MacGirl said...

I keep coming to your blog because it is on my list of ones I always visit and it reminds me that you have been gone and then it gives me a chance to think of you and say a little prayer.
Then today I realize you should be coming back soon. I hope everything went well. . I'm not sure if that's appropriate way to put it but there you go. Can't wait to start reading again. The Lord keep you.

beth said...

Hope, you give me hope. Thank you for your honesty and openness, and your willingness to give your woundedness to me. somehow this is healing and grace for me. much love, beth