I am very thankful for the experience last week of watching that wall of sand crumble. I have turned around and looked in its wake many times since. Maybe I'll just turn around and stare at that place forever. I don't wish for it to come back but I feel a bit lost today without it.
Today finds me disheartened. Youngest son has spent the night at his girlfriend's every night since last Friday. He phoned on his lunch break today to tell me he won't be coming home this week. He wants to see what it would be like to spend a week there. Hmmm - without last week I would have manipulated, guilted, been pissy in response. I told him I would miss seeing him tonight but to have a good week. Yes, there was a part of me that wanted to scream "Are you out of your fucking mind?!" But it's not my mind to make up, it's his. And the real snarky part of me wondered, "Is the sex that good?"
Is this what letting go looks like? He knows how we feel. I've only reminded him of that every other day for the past 10 months. It's time to shut up now.
Did I mention his girlfriend is only 15? And that her parents long ago offered for him to move in there? My gut tells me he is going to take them up on it. I sit here and wonder if this is the path he must take to get to a better place. Last week I would have been praying for God to bring him back home....and anything less would have seemed like unanswered prayer. I would have wanted youngest son to see his world the way I see it. Now, wouldn't that have made history? Teenager sees things the same as 40-something mother does without the additional 25 years life experience.
I sit here and think about my own young adulthood. How I was involved with a man 8 years my senior when I was 18. He was from Nigeria, with a totally different culture. We talked seriously about marriage but my gut instinct wouldn't let me. The day he told me if his mother came to live with us after we were married she could stay as long as she wanted I knew I could never marry him. I remember telling my mom we had stopped seeing each other only to hear her say, "We knew you'd come to your senses sooner or later." I won't repeat the thoughts that went through my head in response.
Only yesterday I said to my friend that whatever happened or didn't happen in the next stress filled two weeks for her, she would be okay. Those thoughts are echoing in my head today. Peace and sadness sit side by side in my heart. I covet your prayers.