Next week I have nothing on my calendar except an appointment with my therapist. It's ridiculous how relieved I feel about so many days in a row full of no plans.
I don't remember daydreaming as a child about what I hoped my life might look like when I grew up. I know I lived in the future, daily looking towards the next thing that could brighten my life, if even momentarily. Simple things. Getting an exam mark back. Days of the week when the mail carrier came (Dearest One and I were pen pals through some of our teen years. We married when I was still a teenager.) Having tea with my grandparents. Whatever it was that warranted a mental note of possibility, I was on the lookout for those things. I spent little time being present in the here and now as it was unpredictable and often scary.
I could easier list the things I knew I didn't want in my adult life. A few of the worst of those things came into it anyway. Some of them were temporary (I'm grateful to be sober nearly 31 years now.) Some of them are still works in progress.
I am working on accepting life on life's terms. On not being able to think my way out of the trauma that continues to impact my daily life. I can see that there are many things to be grateful for in the midst of the healing. In the midst of the hard work it takes to learn how to let go and simply be in the here and now. That is progress.
At my first appointment with my therapist I told her that my goal was to be able to sit in a restaurant with my back to the door. To no longer be unconsciously surveying my surroundings for safety and an escape plan. Maybe that's another way of saying, I want to be present to the life waiting for me.
Often I take stock of where I am in this journey and tell myself, "Carry on."
*Artwork by Lucy Campbell
1 comment:
I so get the need to work on accepting life on life's terms. I'm working with a specialized trauma therapist these days (just started a few weeks ago). Praying for you along the journey.
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