Benefits

The words on the photo are ones I keep returning to again and again. I have days when it is easier to trust and moments when I beat myself up, thinking that I'm not trying hard enough to get better.

But I am getting there. I'm better than I was. Making progress.

I have a daily checklist to remind me to do things like shower and get dressed. Make the bed. Stay hydrated.

There was a time when I rocked at completing lists. Gave myself a little gold star in my head for being able to get shit done. I was in competition with myself and damn, I was going to win.

I wish I cared about my daily to do list, but I don't. I'm up to having eight little boxes to check off. Two of them I don't care about at all but my doctor and therapist do. I added those for their benefit. I added one for my benefit and that is writing. It is a soul satisfying activity for me.

I told my doctor a week ago that the hardest thing to accept is that I can't think my way out of this space I find myself in. I doubt I can write my way out of it either, but I'd like to think that it helps.