Baby Steps

I've been oblivious to my body's communication my whole life. I imagine that has its roots in my premature birth and the next to no physical contact for the first three months of my life. Interoception is a new term to me but I've done some reading on it and can see how my premature birth coupled with physical and later, sexual abuse, and it makes sense that I'm not skilled at hearing my body's communication. My default is to freeze. There's whole whack of stuff frozen in my body.  The therapy I am doing is helping shift the trauma and loosen it up so that it no longer rules my life. It leaves me feeling hope filled.

When I had cancer, and was given all my options for treatment, my body shouted "NO" at me. Every time I pictured sitting in a chair for chemo that "NO" was so insistent that I asked for a second opinion about my choices. That opinion (after many tests) confirmed that the "NO" I'd heard was in line with the test results. I have no idea if I would choose differently today.

I had therapy yesterday. Progress is in small, baby steps. Which is fitting considering that my trauma started at birth.

Yesterday, instead of swallowing my tears and tamping them down I let them roll down my face and flow freely.