Being

Yesterday I spent the day in my pajamas.
I'd have the flu since Thursday night.
I ignored my pounding head and went to work Friday anyway
because I had stuff to do.
As if I was indispensable.
Ha. As if.

I kept trying to ignore the body aches and fever and headache
until yesterday when it became clear
that ignoring it wasn't going to work any longer.
So I stayed in my pjs and did nothing productive all day.

Doing so helped me see that I have been living a driven life lately.
Pressured by unrealistic expectations of myself.
I wasn't aware of that before yesterday.
I was too busy trying to get things done.
As if that is the only sensible way to spend a three day weekend.

Nine years ago I had a bout of Bell's Palsy.
It's never completely resolved itself.
Whenever my immune system is under attack
that side of my face goes numb and droops.
It feels similar to having been to the dentist
and leaving his office with a tingly face
that feels funny when you touch it.

Yesterday my face went numb again.
I can still feel the tingling as I type.
Right from my forehead to my chin.
My body tries to talk to me.
To get my attention so that I will take care of her.
Sometimes she has to shout
so that I will stop long enough to listen.

It's hard to let go of what seems
like a mile long to do list.
To do nothing on a long weekend but rest.
I thought I had learned through my years of spoon counting that being was more important than doing.