"Don't ask me why I'm not going because I can't explain it other than every time I thought about it today I felt such a big "no" inside."
Dearest one needed no more explanation although he was probably just as puzzled as I was. After all, the highlight of going away this weekend was that I was leaving a day early so I could go see only daughter in big city far away. I was even going to drive an extra 3 hours round trip to do so because I didn't want to pass up an opportunity of being that close to where she lived and not see her. (She lives 8 hours away so 90 minutes one way is too close to pass up.)
Yet there I was writing her an email a few days ago to say sorry I'm not coming. Yes, the forecast was for snow and freezing rain but the weather forecast is not always predictable. And yes, it was a crazy busy week at work and I hadn't had time or energy to get ready to go away. But when I really want to do something I can make it happen anyway even if it means doing laundry at the other end or driving slow because the roads are slick. I had even typed an email to one of my closest friends who lives in the same city as only daughter, making plans to spend the morning with her on Friday. I just couldn't hit the send button though and deleted it instead.
I rarely feel so strongly one way or the other about doing things. Often it's a no, I don't want to, have time to, etc. or a I could take it or leave it and then I either go or don't and sometimes it's a I really would like to do that. Sure there are many times when what I want to do is irrelevant and I do something that someone else is asking me to do simply because it's the right thing for me to do. And then there are the times when I'm trying to manipulate the situation to get my way or rationalizing why saying yes or no is really God's way, too. I can find it hard to trust my motives. So I sat there and checked how open, willing and honest I was being about going to only daughter's place and I was just as open as ever. I just couldn't shake that NO.
So I listened.
Last night came a phone call from someone in the fellowship. She was scheduled to go the same service commitment as me this weekend but every time she tried to make plans they fell apart. I'd already told my home group that I would absorb the extra cost of having a hotel room to myself this weekend because at the end of the day I just want my own space. The weekend will be full of people and for this introvert that is a stretch to begin with. And the only ones I could share a hotel room with would be dearest one, only daughter or my daughter-in-law. I've even told my sponsor before that I wouldn't share a room with her at these things because that's how much I like my own space.
I usually drive by myself too, because I love solo road trips. But you know what? When that phone call came last night I knew in an instant what the right thing to do was, my preferences irrelevant. Yes, I was disappointed that my way wasn't going to be THE way. I acknowledged that to myself and then let it go. So, I will have a passenger and I will have a roommate for one of the nights, too. I had originally booked a double room (that's how much I like my own space!)so there you go!
The change of plans is way out of my comfort zone but I recognize I'm being given the opportunity to see how being uncomfortable may very well be a blessing in disguise. We never know until we try. Oh, the years and years I spent being closed to anything but life going my way because being out of my comfort zone found me paralyzed with fear.
Had I been going to only daughter's this morning I would have had my weekend tied up in a nice pretty bow. I think God may be hugging me and having a belly laugh, too.
Although when I sense an answer one way or the other I don't spend much time trying to figure out the 'why' of it. That's really beside the point. Learning to listen and act is what's important in my books. So it's a bonus to see how things have worked out. And who knows if I am really seeing anything at all other than connecting my own little dots. I still find it presumptuous to think that I have God's will figured out in all this.