What? No Update?

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. I've been giving a lot of thought to Lent. Had I been raised with Lent or even known about it in some periods of my life Lent would have meant a chance to reform my whole life in one fell swoop...chasing after that elusive perfection in order to feel acceptable in my own skin. I am grateful for the sanity these days that helps me accept who I am in all my imperfections. I don't have to change anything for God to feel any different about me. He loves me as is, always has, always will. I haven't always believed that but today I am graced with believing it in my heart.

There are many little routines in my day that I'm going to miss these next 40 days. Giving them up will more than anything help me have more awareness about how I spend my time and where my focus has been. One of the changes I'm trying is to be online only as long as it takes me to sit in front of my SAD Lightbook in the mornings. I think I will be an even better speed reader as I try to read blogs, check FB and check email all in 15 minutes. Oh, and try to actually post something once in a while.

When I am really pressed for time these four recovery blogs get read first. Before the internet I had no way of knowing what working the steps of AA looked like elsewhere. I live pretty remote, having a choice of one meeting most days and on some days, two that I can attend in the closest city which is 50 miles from home. I appreciate all the experience, strength and hope I get to absorb from reading these blogs and others.

Today I feel grateful for what a great life I get to live.

Bouncing Off My Insides

Ash Wednesday.
The beginning of my favourite season
of the church calendar.
Inward looking.
Outward actions.
Stuff that doesn't take a special season
to be reality, but a special season helps
me be more mindful.

I used to look for big accomplishments.
Change my whole world kind of thinking.
Impossible expectations.
They left me feeling a failure.
These days I hope to simply keep
putting one foot in front of the other
in a good direction.
"Repent and return to the gospel"
is a good direction.

The question that continues
to haunt me
is when Jesus asks,
"Who do you say that I am?"
There was a time when I felt answering that
took no more thought
than whatever the prescribed "right" answer was.
Today that question continues
to reverberate and
bounce off my insides.

Stretching Hope

"As I sat in centering prayer this morning the image of being held, of resting in the womb of God came to me. That no matter how vigorously I stretch and push against its walls I remain safe in the womb. So struggle away, Hope, struggle away."~ journal entry March 18/08

"As I listen to the gospel for today and hear how Jesus gives John his mother and how John welcomed her into his home I sit here and wonder what it means to welcome her into my home. They ask what we want to say to Jesus as he hangs on the cross and all that comes to me is "remember me in your kingdom." Without his mercy we are without hope." ~ journal entry March 21/08

Compassionate Energy

It's 8 pm and I'm just getting online. What can I say, it was the Brier in Canada today and I am a fan. Did you know I'm the sports fan in our home? I always feel weird about that but that's the way it is. Dearest one grew up in a home where TV was evil and worldly so he missed early initiation rites for Hockey Night In Canada and the Grey Cup and the Brier. I didn't.

We were up early and headed into town for Passion Sunday Mass. Dearest one and youngest son have been house sitting this past week and today it's my turn. This was my first experience of Passion Sunday in a large church. It's the weirdest thing to go from a little church of perhaps 10 people on a Sunday to a church where there are over 500 people at Mass. I don't much like it. After that I went to a different AA meeting. There again going to a meeting where there were perhaps 30+ people where the regular meeting I go to usually has 5 people. How can you tell I like small and comfortable and within my safety net better than big and uncomfortable and out of comfort zone?

My pitch for the radio documentary was accepted this past week so that was definitely the highlight of my week. I jumped up and down and hurt my back a little bit in the celebrating. But it really was a good thing to express physically what I was feeling in my heart. I have 45 years of suppressing joy of any kind lest it leak out and I look like an idiot. The energizer bunny was the only one to see me jump up and down and shout. She just put her ears back and looked like she wanted to hide in a "No, I don't know this person" kind of way. This program receives 1000 pitches a year and accepts about 150 so I feel validated and honoured. And scared. I like coming up with ideas better than making them a reality so this is going to be interesting. I am confident though that I can do it. Tomorrow I have an hour long phone conversation with the producer and then the fun begins. Recording equipment will arrive somehow to my little house in the boondocks and we'll take it from there. I will let you know when this piece goes to air but only through email. The documentary will be 13 mintes at best so this will be my real live 13 minutes of fame yet I want to retain my blogger anonymity, too.

Lent is nearly over. Not sure what I've gleaned this year but it's felt like a good Lent. I simply know I'm growing but would be hard pressed to say exactly how. There's something very peaceful about operating from a core of self compassion instead of self loathing. That that is my reality feels humbling and miraculous. Thanks be to God.

Praying

Sunday.
All week I could hardly wait.
Well, except when I didn't.
I was like a kid
counting how many sleeps
were left.

The last few days I've been
listening to Joe and Charlie give
these talks.
Over 9 hours worth of sharing.
Pure sweet gift.

Dearest one came home Friday
and interrupted my listening time.
Disgruntled that I had to stop
to make supper
I made excuses as to my mood.
As I stood at the stove and stirred
the Spirit stirred within me.
In a flash I saw my selfishness
for what it was
and stopped making excuses.
Seeing how bugged I was that
real life was interrupting my
desire to be more
of who God wants me to be
made me laugh at myself.
Pure sweet gift.

Yesterday morning I prayed
the 3rd step prayer
with a renewed hunger.
What before was simply words
became words from the gut
intermingled with wrenching sobs.
Spirit descends,
heart responds.
Pure sweet gift.

Later I went to my AA meeting.
Eventually the chairperson
asked me to read the promises
Out of nowhere,
or perhaps from my gut,
came more tears.
Breathe, gulp, read.
Someone passed me the kleenex.
When the Spirit moves
among us at a meeting it's
as if time stands still.
It's gets so quiet.
The reality that we're being
nourished by
the Spirit
instead of nursing
a hangover
is lost on none of us.
To be loved in brokenness
Pure sweet gift.

When it was my turn to share
I felt overwhelmed with gratitude
that God would work in my life
and bring about such change.

Through tears I shared.
In return
Nods of agreement.
Looks of recognition.
Sweet, sweet grace.

Afterwards my sponsor
and I met for lunch.
"What's up,"
she asked.

So we talked.
Me first then
she shared her journey with me
and in her sharing
I see myself.
I cry some more
and in a public place
I let the tears become sobs.
She looks at me and
tells me I'm fortunate
to be able to feel those tears.
And I recognize them as the
pure sweet gift they are.

In 2000
the Year of the Jubilee
Sister Doreen told me
as I sat crying
that tears were a form of prayer.

Freedom
through
prayer.
Pure
sweet
gift.

Really Really

I feel like I'm tiptoeing in here trying not to get caught. Did you know typing could feel like that? The resident Energizer Bunny is resting her head in the crook of my arm. I have to keep typing hold the pose or else I'll be in withdrawal her head will fall down and we'll have to start over.

I am such an addict.

As soon as I typed that sentence my internet connection failed. When I reconnected the page froze. When I tried to reboot the whole thing the computer refused to even turn on. I think God has more important things to do than try and micromanage my life when I'm in the midst of breaking my Lenten fast, don't you?

Yesterday I came online to print out something I wanted to take to my counseling session tomorrow. It took less than five minutes tops. Really. It did occur to me that dearest one could print it out for me at work but I quickly dismissed that idea. Too much work. Ha. It didn't stop me asking him to download a zip file which took an hour.

Today I turned on the computer to write some more on a radio proposal. As I did I thought about posting because it's our 26th wedding anniversary and I wanted to note that here. Not that I couldn't pick up the phone and say Happy Anniversary to dearest one again if I wanted. That would be too easy.

First I tell myself I need to go online so the daily anti virus can update. The very anti virus that I go days at a time without updating when it's not Lent. Then I decide I need to do some research. Something official. So I'm merrily researching some info for the proposal. Research names of Sharon Butala's books. Check. Found the library has the copies I need. Try to find lyrics to a song about the prairies and immigrants. Not so lucky.

Oh, let's just look around while I'm here I tell myself. I hop, skip and jump my way through email, bloglines and facebook. 27 minutes later I find myself logging into blogger to post this. We only have dial up - does that count? That's when the connection failed. The page froze. The computer would not turn on.

I'll tip toe my way back out of here now.
Saint Isidore of Seville pray for me.
He took some research to find.
I'm just saying.