Breathe

I put this photo up where I can see it while I write, mostly because I love the photo itself.  For the past few weeks it's become more than just a pretty picture as I've been working with Comforting Therapist on some deep breathing exercises to help settle my system.

My tendency is to take shallow breaths. When you're a kid trying to make yourself invisible in order to escape notice, it makes sense that shallow breathing would become a compensating behaviour.

I don't need to make myself invisible anymore.

But I want to sometimes.

Like in a recent rough patch in one of my distant, but necessary, relationships that has caused me a lot of sleepless nights over the years. Well, my reaction to the relationship has cost me a lot of sleep. That's the more honest statement. Just when I think things are predictable they morph into the same kind of unpredictable shit I grew up with and it's hard not to feel like I'm in the middle of a childhood nightmare. My breath got very shallow as I tried to navigate the conversation and prevent an all out shit show. I momentarily forgot every coping skill I'd learned in the past 18 months.

When I woke up the next morning I stayed in bed for a bit and watched as my mind started to shit talk myself for forgetting those coping skills.  I'm so disappointed in myself was my first thought. This is a well worn path in my brain. Thanks to my two year old self I took some deep breaths and stopped my inner critic in her tracks, reminding her that it served no good purpose to go down that path.

Breathe. Just breathe, I told myself.

One little victory. One change of pattern. One more breath.