Try

In therapy yesterday I threw back my head in laughter and laughed until I was done. I let my head rest on the back of the couch for a bit afterwards, catching my breath. That kind of laughter was a first for me in therapy. I couldn't help myself.

 A few weeks ago we shifted into doing some guided work in therapy sessions. It's the kind of stuff that, if I think about it for too long, I'd put in a basket labelled Airy Fairy Shit and leave it there. But I trust my therapist so I'm following her directions and seeing what happens. Guided work is really an experiment in trust. For someone raised with abuse, the not knowing what's coming next, can be a little scary. I'm glad I haven't let my fear stop me from trying it.

Yesterday, when my two year old self appeared in my mind, she was guided to take off the mask that protected her from harm at that age. The one that held negative voices bearing conclusions as to who she was as a little person. The mask that contained harsh words and states of mind filled with panicky thoughts of what she needed to do to keep safe.

It took some work. She peeked out from behind it first. She wanted to run. She wanted to curl up in a ball. Eventually she felt safe enough to hold the mask a little bit in front of her and then even further. Her Core Spiritual Self *came along and was ready to be with her as she got the courage to step out from behind the mask altogether. They picked up the mask and danced with it as it went from being plaster to foil. Once it was pliable she folded it up into a tiny square and tucked it into her front pocket. Then she declared, "I am in charge!" I felt laughter bubble up inside me as I watched her.

I wish you could've seen the dance she did and the joy she radiated at the thought of being in charge. I bet you would've laughed, too.


*This isn't the exact guided work I am doing but is similar.