I've been using an App on my phone, at my therapist's suggestion, to track my mood. As I tend to overthink anything, I find it hard some days to figure out what exactly my mood is. I'm convinced other people don't have this issue. Dearest One looked at me funny when I asked him if he could easily tell the difference between feeling okay and feeling good?
I think the app used words such as Meh and Good for those two options and I felt so irritated (no problem figuring out my mood at that moment!) at the word Meh that I promptly paid a fee so I could customize the App and change that descriptor to something else.
To me, feeling Meh for any length of time would be incredibly depressing. Never mind that I've chosen it's replacement word as my mood half of the last 12 days.
One of the things I mulled over while I was trying to get to sleep was worrying that I'll get better soon. What a weird thing to think. I promptly judged myself for it. Then I followed that thought through to find that what I was worrying about was that I'd be be cleared to go back to work soon only to find out that once I got there I felt just as overwhelmed as when I left.
It's good to follow a thought to see where it will lead. As soon as I figured out I was worrying about feeling overwhelmed, I reminded myself that when I'm ready to go back to work I will feel ready, I will look forward to going, and I will feel confident at problem solving whatever I might face once I get there.
I dropped off a baby present at work after hours a week ago. I looked at my desk and the papers that had been piled on it in my absence and thought to myself, I don't give a shit about any of this and walked out the door. I'm used to not only caring about my work but doing a stellar job of any task I need to complete. I try to see people as someone with a story when their behaviour is suspect. Coworkers are used to my refrain of I wonder what their story is when someone reacts instead of responds to a situation. I should have been tipped off then, that not everything was right in my inner world, when I commented to one coworker that someone else was a fucking bitch. I dislike that phrase greatly and have rarely uttered it. Never at work. It slipped off my tongue with incredible ease that day.
Anyway, I have no idea why I'm writing this all down other than I hope that in the writing my brain quiets enough so that I will soon be able to go to sleep.
My daily goals right now are to have a shower, get dressed and drink 8 glasses of water a day. I added in Centering Prayer last week but managed it only a few times. I lessened my expectation of doing 20 minutes off the bat and changed that App to 10 minutes. Centering Prayer has been a great addition to my daily routine in the past. So much so that when I practice it with any regularity, I find that in stressful situations my sacred word pops into my head and reminds me to ground myself. I think a bit of that could be helpful, don't you?
1 comment:
It sounds as though you have some great plans in place to help you with the stress and the tension. I’m glad you have these tools. Like you were talking about with Centering Prayer, I find that because I’ve meditated for so long, in any situation all I need to do is take the three deep breaths that I always use to start meditation and that instantly puts me in a better place because my body recognizes it as “calm down.” I think it’s the regular use that does it.
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