Practicing

I've had the same family doctor for 20 years. We know each other well. I've often felt like my doctor wishes I would show more enthusiasm for life. I'm not the kind of person who jumps up and down with joy about anything. I envy people who do.

Comforting Therapist explained to me a few weeks ago about people's natural energy levels of expression (my term, not hers) and that she'd observed mine tended to be on the low side. Some people run the gamut from 0 to 10 and for some their range is 0 to 5. She said that for someone who literally jumps up and down when something great happens theirs might be a 9 in that moment. Mine in that moment would most likely be a 4. Same inner feeling but vast differences in outward expression.

Her explanation helped me stop expecting myself to morph into someone I'm not. It helped me judge myself less for my life long lack of getting overly excited about anything. I can be pleased as punch about something and may even be doing a happy dance within myself and you might not be able to conclude that by my outer behaviour. Okay, then.

I tried explaining all this to my doctor this past week but interestingly he heard it through the grid of pessimist and optimist and figured my therapist was trying to get me to be more optimistic. Arrgh. I actually don't see myself as pessimistic. I didn't try to clarify any of it with him even though it was hard to leave him with an impression that was inaccurate about what I was trying to explain.

I see him again in a few weeks. I had a major breakthrough in therapy a few days ago. The kind I recognize as one of those places where you place a stone on the path as a remembrance of what happened. My doctor might recognize the change and then again, maybe he won't. But I do.