Yesterday I was getting a stack of papers ready to file when I realized that I no longer find my worth attached to how efficient, organized, or on being on top of it all I am. I asked myself, "What am I here for then?" and then promptly wanted to burst into tears.
I had no idea that I had been building my esteem on such flimsiness. I don't even know if I can explain it. I still take pride in doing a good job but there is no frantic energy attached to the outcome. Does that make sense? My worth is not wrapped up in having done my work in record time so that an invisible they can pat me on the back.
Today I visited with a friend who has also had breast cancer. When I shared with her my new realization she reached across the counter, hugged me and affirmed just why I was in my job. They were all reasons that truly matter.
I had no idea that I had been building my esteem on such flimsiness. I don't even know if I can explain it. I still take pride in doing a good job but there is no frantic energy attached to the outcome. Does that make sense? My worth is not wrapped up in having done my work in record time so that an invisible they can pat me on the back.
Today I visited with a friend who has also had breast cancer. When I shared with her my new realization she reached across the counter, hugged me and affirmed just why I was in my job. They were all reasons that truly matter.
3 comments:
On the railroad, as a clerk, they moved me from job to job, shift to shift continually in the early days, each change a different set of off days, some spots worse than others and sometimes affecting my opportunity to attend church, teach Sunday school, work in some ministry. No matter the circumstances, though, it always seemed a door of witness would be there, not me thumping my Bible, but His presence somehow being there at the right time. It is obvious to me that you, too, are a vessel of much use to Him, your story, your journey, you, yourself, much too valuable to be wrapped up in nothing more than job skills.
Something amazing happens to us when we step through these doors of fear of our own mortality. When we once again, finally stand in the sunlight, it's like looking through a new pair of eyes, isn't it ?
I have been absent for awhile and am trying to catch up on reading blogs...and every day I think that it's a miracle that I can stumble on, limp around and do as much as I can do---and that it is okay [with me].
I am looking for words to your welcoming prayer. am I just too tired to see it ? I have another favorite prayer someone once passed on to me, and it's called the "Set Aside " Prayer. It goes like this:
"God, help me to set aside everything I think I know about _____ (anything I need to turn over) so that I might have a new experience."
xoxoxox
It served you while you needed it.
It's okay to let it go now :)
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