Monday, August 05, 2013

Waning Days Of Summer

I woke in the night and saw stars in the sky. It's been months since it's been dark enough in the night to see stars. It's lovely and bittersweet because it means winter's coming. But not today.

Doing laundry is on my to do list. Earlier I thought of my grandma and how she noted in her diary every Monday how grateful she was for her washing machine. Her wringer washing machine. Mondays and laundry were synonymous in her world. I like the predictability of that.

My priest commented yesterday that he could tell I was feeling better because it showed in my face. It's always nice to have outside confirmation of what is going on inside. I feel better for the most part. No longer feeling depressed. Spiritually I still feel stuck sometimes and I am at a loss as to what to do about that. I am headed to Adoration this week. It is a refuge for me and a laying bare of the soul.

At a meeting the other day I listened to someone just out of treatment, be completely surrendered to their God in incredibly difficult circumstances. I had to ask myself if I was completely surrendered to mine. I feel like being completely surrendered will mean spouting off pat answers that are not based on reality and I have a gagging feeling in my throat at the thought. I will be so glad when I no longer have invisible walls go up in nanoseconds. I just don't know how to get there. I think I am past having walls go up and then someone says something - thanks Jesus for some random happening - and I shut down instantly. It's not how I want to feel.

Open. I want to be open.


Rebekah Grace said...

Oh, Hope. I hear you. I have invisible walls too. Some not so invisible. My soul is in a struggle with how vocal two of my family members are to those who are not "Christians" and it makes me feel like shit. As well as making me feel like I'm being disloyal to Jesus. It's a strange place to be. But here I am.

Jim said...

Being "surrendered" doesn't mean you become this sanctified image of Christ, quoting Scripture to others as if you have all the answers. It is being "balanced" by this inner connection, not taking grace for granted and allowing the inner tug on your anchor-line to adjust you as you go. This is what I hear already in your walk, find in what you say each time I visit....