"I don't know what God's got planned but I do know this new venture was God's idea so I just have to trust Him."
I hadn't seen her in a few years when I ran into her at the checkout counter of a local store last week. We embraced and smiled big smiles at seeing each other again. Years ago we used to talk on the phone several times a day. She will always hold a special place in my heart for her stable friendship through some of the toughest years of parenthood.
We took a step away from the counter and as I listened to her talk about God this and God that, I felt like an alien. Like I once knew her language only to realize it had slipped off my shoulders like a silk nightshirt. Well, more like it got yanked off, a burlap bag of a shirt that left scratches and bruises in its wake.
I have no desire to put it back on again.
I hear people talk with such certainty of how God is working or not working or will work - what lesson God is teaching them and I can't wrap my head around a concept that was once solid in my life. A concept that made me think I had a strong, unshakeable faith.
Yesterday I said to my priest that I meant it when I prayed "Thy will be done" although I had no idea what God's will was for me. He nodded his head vigorously and said, "that's true." And I relaxed, knowing that he knew I meant that I did not know, would not know, what God was doing in any particular circumstance - whatever that happened to be at any given moment.
I can't find it within me to think I will ever know again. I look with curiosity at people who do. I feel a little sad, judgemental, and tempted to shake them by the shoulders, point to their own burlap and tell them that all that certainty can get yanked away in a nanosecond.
It's incredibly confusing.
I hadn't seen her in a few years when I ran into her at the checkout counter of a local store last week. We embraced and smiled big smiles at seeing each other again. Years ago we used to talk on the phone several times a day. She will always hold a special place in my heart for her stable friendship through some of the toughest years of parenthood.
We took a step away from the counter and as I listened to her talk about God this and God that, I felt like an alien. Like I once knew her language only to realize it had slipped off my shoulders like a silk nightshirt. Well, more like it got yanked off, a burlap bag of a shirt that left scratches and bruises in its wake.
I have no desire to put it back on again.
I hear people talk with such certainty of how God is working or not working or will work - what lesson God is teaching them and I can't wrap my head around a concept that was once solid in my life. A concept that made me think I had a strong, unshakeable faith.
Yesterday I said to my priest that I meant it when I prayed "Thy will be done" although I had no idea what God's will was for me. He nodded his head vigorously and said, "that's true." And I relaxed, knowing that he knew I meant that I did not know, would not know, what God was doing in any particular circumstance - whatever that happened to be at any given moment.
I can't find it within me to think I will ever know again. I look with curiosity at people who do. I feel a little sad, judgemental, and tempted to shake them by the shoulders, point to their own burlap and tell them that all that certainty can get yanked away in a nanosecond.
It's incredibly confusing.
5 comments:
Yes and fabric softener doesn't seem to work either as I'm discovering.
Mich
I'm grateful that you are hear sharing the "I don't know" journey with the rest of us burlap wearin' blog peeps!
I think it is good to realize that we do not know the mind of God. But it is sure painful when the world gets shaken and we are left with everything all out of place.
Thanks for writing this. My sense of what is going on come and goes. and does so vividly. But this I know, it takes more faith to get up and move on the days when I have no idea.
I hear your heart and appreciate, more than words can portray, your candor. Praying for you, my friend. In His grace ~ Rebekah
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