Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Niggling Uncertainty

We're both watching the surgeon's face as he reads the MRI report to himself, lips moving, but no sound coming out. When his lips stop moving while his eyes continue to scan the computer screen we both think to ourselves, "Oh, shit, here we go again."

He motions for us to come read the screen with him. "intermediate probability of malignancy." There's a different lump in question now. Its placement is close enough to the old one that afterwards Dearest One and I hope the radiologist had a dyslexic moment and juxtaposed its placement which would then make both lumps the same one.

One can always hope. But, damn the uncertainty. It niggles.

I can't take facing another biopsy at the moment and our surgeon is going on holidays so we've agreed to meet next month to discuss what comes next. There's still an outside chance that the head of radiology will rule out a possible malignancy without a biopsy before then.

I'm at a loss as to how to process this new bit of information. I don't know if I've really grasped through these past few weeks that the only certain thing is uncertainty but I do feel as if my  grip  has lessened. Tonight it feels like more of a 'what's the point' grip than actual freedom. Perhaps that will change.

In the meantime I am going to enjoy the last ten days of my summer vacation. It's the first stretch in months where there isn't one single medical appointment written on my calendar.


Peter said...

{Nazi officer in 3rd rate war movie voice} You Vill Take your vacation and you Vill enjoy it!

annie said...

Do enjoy your time off, Hope. Uncertainty is quite rampant. It sucks when we are personally reminded of how prevalent it is. :)

My prayer is that you will come to a sense of peace with all of this. Of course, having arrived there doesn't mean you will stay there, I know. Things change and we get unsettled again.

Hugs to you, Hope.You are walking a rough road with much grace...

Mary Christine said...

As someone who has worked in "healthcare quality" for most of my career, your story is a nightmare. Unfortunately, a familiar nightmare.

You are in my prayers. Please enjoy your time off

Lisa said...

Ugh. so sorry sweet friend. Attending mass in Florida this morning with some dear friends, and praying for you as I go.

(And enjoy the vacation - I totally get that need for a time away from other realities!)