Friday, August 10, 2012

Like A Galloping Runaway Horse

"That's the best news I've heard in a long time."

"I burst into tears when I read your news.

I feel numb as I hear and read the reaction of others to my news. Numb. They whoop and holler and tell me what a miracle it is. I feel blank. And then I feel guilty that I feel blank. The only thing I've been able to do today is cry. Feel numb. Cry. Wash. Repeat. All day long.

The last 24 hours is such a blur that when I call a friend tonight to tell her the news she tells me we talked about it last night. I have no memory of it. The last time I felt like this I was in the midst of a nervous  breakdown. That time I cried for six months straight.

Late this afternoon the surgeon calls to set up a time next week for us to meet in person. He wants to hear what I need to move forward. I'd like my emotions back please. I'd like to feel joy. I tell him I feel guilty that I feel so numb. He assures me that what I'm experiencing is normal and that my feelings will slowly surface again. He tells me to rest as much as possible this weekend.

After we'd left his office the other day, Dearest One told me  that he was sure the surgeon was a man of faith. He just had that feeling. Whatever was my inner reaction at the time (which is a whole other post in itself.)

Today I give the surgeon an opening to affirm Dearest One's assertion. He does.

In doing so our conversation shifts.

And  immediately I give myself enough rope to hang myself for in a nano second I hear myself doing what I told you I had no stomach to hear last night. I tell him what I think God revealed to him in the whole thing. How a conversation he had with my medical specialist earlier in the day yesterday now made him so aware and more knowledgeable about my particular health issues. That maybe he'll come across a patient that has the symptoms of it and you know - change their life!!  I hear myself as I say the words like I'm a bystander in my own conversation. I remind myself of a galloping runaway horse. Man, they're hard to rein in. I think to myself shut the fuck up already.

But I don't. I wanted to finish the thought - it was after all - so brilliant. Eventually my voice trails off like I've run out of steam and I lamely tell him I have no idea what will come of it for him. But it's too late. I've already vomited my ego all over his story. You know. The story only he gets to tell. From within himself. From that place no other person can enter. You can only listen to it - you can't write it for someone else. And whatever them I thought I was different from last night gets shot to pieces and once again I am reminded I am a part of not apart from.

And so the story continues.


Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I just keep thinkin,

We never know how God will use us when we pray to be useful.

If I must be humbled again and again in these simple (ego-driven) ways for me to be useful to Him, so be it.

I'm grateful that you are here and still telling your story.

Jim said...

I echo what Jess just said. Even if Christ be "in" us, yet "we" have gone nowhere. Even as He "uses" us, speaks "through" us, the journey is a stumble, a lesson as we go. Relax, my friend, and just continue to let the well within, as it ebbs and flows, bring His presence to work in your life. You have been blessed and yuor story is a blessing unto others...

Catherine said...

This seems like an inappropriate place to put this, but I could not find a "contact" area.
I have put you down for a Versatile Blogger Award, because I love your posts so much.
the versatile blogger award

Seeker said...

I haven't read your blog for many months and was very sorry to hear what you have been going through recently. I know what it is like to receive a cancer diagnosis and can well imagine how you must feel now.

Thanks for telling your story. God bless.

Peter said...

About your "lecture" to the doctor: when I was in wilderness and was checking in with my guide, she gave me a very valuable tip. When we have an insight, an understanding that we didn't have before, we are Not There in terms of our journey. The insight is like a bit of light that illuminates Where We Are Going, giving us a bit of guidance for the journey.

So don't beat yourself up about that--despite having had a profound spiritual experience, you haven't Changed so much as Are Changing, and will eventually get to where your insights have shown you.

And that's plenty.

Sober Julie said...

If God sees my heart of course He'll use my ego to affect others....apparently it's so HUGE that it can't be missed.

I thank you my friend for sharing of yourself here....for touching my heart with your inner honesty