It's All Unknown

I sat around my very own blue and orange flickering camp fire tonight. I had gathered wood from under our waving-high-in-the-sky Spruce Tree whose single trunk splits into two trees somewhere over my head. Under its boughs we stack our firewood. I crumpled some paper, added the wood and after a strike of the match on the box I had my very own camp fire to sit and reflect by. It was a hot today - perhaps our last hot day of the season - and I'd decided earlier that I was going to treat myself to a sit by the fire before the day ended. It's one of my favourite things to do.  Time to think and not think.

My mind wandered and I remembered a conversation with a friend from a few months ago. I was listing all the medical tests ahead of me and she seemed to be brushing off my worry.  I felt self conscious about having spoken and dropped the subject. Tonight, as I thought about it, I was able to put my finger on what was underneath my listing. I wish I could have said, "I'm scared of the unknowns."

And as quickly as that thought surfaced another quickly followed, "It's all unknown."

I feel unable to wrap life/God up in any kind of package these days. Can't seem to come to any kind of conclusion. It feels like the first time in my life where I can honestly say, "I don't know."