Fearless And Thorough

Good roads this morning.
Which means going to town is doable.
Someone in my home group AA meeting
is celebrating a birthday
which makes for a great meeting.

I am grateful to be sober this morning.
When I wrote this post
the other day some thought it meant I
went out and got drunk.
It didn't.

I have other addictions that seem to be
my pressure relief.
If they go all to shit
then drunkenness will eventually
be my reality.
Which is what got me back to AA
in the first place.
The shame of one of those addictions
nearly ended up with me blowing
my sobriety a few years ago.
God help me not do that.

I didn't appreciate AA before that.
I only liked saying I was a member.
Which was a lie.
I wasn't a member.
Not really.
In the sense that I had a desire to stop drinking,
yes.
In the sense that I wanted to do any of the hard work
it takes to have quality of sobriety, no.
Hadn't been to a meeting in nearly 10 years.
I only liked the appearance of being a member.
I hope I never forget the humbling feeling
when I walked back into the rooms.
And the relief.

By the grace of God
I finally was ready to stop looking for
an easier, softer way.
Ready to learn from anyone,
even those I didn't especially like.
And when someone with 24 hours of sobriety
was honest and real, I felt slapped in the face
with how little I knew of being honest and real.
There came a desperate feeling that if I didn't learn
to be honest and real I was going to get drunk.
God is good.