Honestly

I sat here and asked myself if I could write honestly. If I can't then it's a waste of writing, of your time and mine.

There is nothing so honest as a full length change room mirror like the one I stood in front of today. I've been practicing asking myself this week "Can you love yourself for that?" I stood in front of that mirror this morning and had a good long look at all 200 plus pounds of me and asked myself if I could love myself for it. And I found that I could. That's progress.

I went to an AA meeting this morning. Going back to meetings has helped clear my head. Listening to people whose lives also depend on leaving the bullshit behind has fine tuned my ears to hear the bullshit coming out of my own mouth. I think the Saturday morning meeting will become my home group. I look forward to celebrating my 19th year of sobriety with those people next March. Since I've been sober I've had one birthday celebrated in AA. Ron gave me his 7 year chip that time. I never went to meetings consistently enough to have a home group to celebrate with before that year. And now I do. I've hardly walked the talk for the past 18 years and I can admit that now. Not beating myself up for it, just recognizing how much I have to learn.

I have scrabble board with little slots for the tiles to fit into. I like the orderliness of it all. Messing with the lives of those around me is kind of like trying to fit into all the slots at once instead of being content to only be in my own. It's really the only place I fit. In charge of my own life and no one else's. Going back to meetings has reminded me of that reality.

I grew up in crisis mode. Or at least looking forward to tomorrow but not living in today. Sometimes I feel like this blog has been drama queen central. And part of my silence this week has been because ever since I started going to meetings the drama has begun to evaporate. Writing in my journal as opposed to processing every detail of my life on here is another factor. Don't get me wrong, I know those are good things.

Yet I sit here and write today because there's that insecure part of me that worries you'll all disappear from my life if I don't. I admire it when people say they write their blogs for themselves. I don't. I write for me and you. It sounds rather egotistical to write that but in all honesty, it's the truth.