I feel frozen inside. It took me until last night to realize why. Knowing why doesn't change how I feel. Shit.
I do know that feelings don't last. That eventually something shifts inside and whatever seems to loom so immense on the horizon that it blocks out the sun, shifts enough for a ray of light to shine.
This past while all I have expected of myself is to be open to being aware. No heroic revamping my life. No plan to become what I thought I was already. Just be aware. Damn, it's much harder being aware than oblivious.
I found the bit below in a book the other day. It's meaning might be lost without being read in context of the book but the gist of it is that grace is a gift that we simply are open to and we can't make happen.
"As you rememeber the day just past or think about the day ahead, you will be tempted to make resolutions like 'I am going to try hard to remember.' Don't do it, and if you catch yourself doing it, stop. Resolutions mean willpower, willpower means achievement, achievement means success and failure, and the whole sequence means losing an appreciation of the gift. I have learned two sure things in the struggle between my desire for love and the oppression of my attachments. The first is that God is absolutely trustworthy. The second is that resolutions are absolutely not."
~ Gerald May in The Awakened Heart