Choosing What Matters

"You know, some things don't matter that much, Lily. Like the color of a house. How big is that in the overall scheme of life? But lifting a person's heart - now, that matters. The whole problem with people is - "

"They don't know what matters and what doesn't," I said, filling in her sentence and feeling proud of myself for doing so.

"I was gonna say, The problem is they know what matters, but they don't choose it. You know how hard that is, Lily? I love May (my sister), but it was still so hard to choose (to paint the house) Caribbean Pink. The hardest thing on earth is choosing what matters."

I read this bit in the book The Secret Life Of Bees the other day and thought to myself, "oh shit." Life would be hunky dory if other people's words didn't mess with my head.

Next Monday I leave for a week long getaway full of business and pleasure. I visit an old friend, have an appointment with a cardiologist, see only daughter and end the week with the celebration of my parent's 50th wedding anniversary. It will be a 2500 km round trip. My husband and kids will join me for the anniversary celebration.

Many of you know that youngest son chose to move in with his 15 year old girlfriend this past March and how heartbreakingly difficult that was for me. I initially wrote about his relationship with her here and about the heartbreak of him moving out here.

Last weekend youngest son's girlfriend came up with the brainwave that instead of coming with youngest son and his dad on the weekend maybe she could come with me instead. The friend I am going to visit used to be her bus driver and she has a love for only daughter. Plus she figured it would give her and I a chance to get to know one another better.

My initial reaction? No. Fucking. Way. I treasure my solitude. I love driving on long trips by myself. This girl talks non stop. I told only daughter it would be so much easier to decide what to do if I wasn't a praying person. Much easier if I didn't read these words in my big book every day: "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." If all that didn't mean anything to me I would do whatever the heck I pleased. It felt like pulling teeth to pray about taking her with me. I thought to myself, "God, you have a fucked up sense of humour." Yep, the f bombs were ricocheting around in my head and I felt like having a temper tantrum that resembled a tap dance performance.

In my more lucid moments I thought to myself...."God, isn't it supposed to be me that is reaching out to her?" It doesn't seem to matter how much I struggle in my relationship with her, she keeps coming back. I thought of my pithy words to youngest son when he first started dating her, "Your relationship with her is temporary and what I want her to take with her from being with our family is that God loves her as she is." Ha. Those words flowed effortlessly from my lips. Then I got to try and live them out. I still suck at it.

And so I struggled. Could I say no without feeling guilty? Could I say yes with abandon? And I squirmed around not wanting to really face God about it. And it's not that I think everything that we initially blanch at turns out to be God's will. There's this thing called boundaries that comes into play too.

I look at my mom and see a woman who spent her life saying yes to things that sucked the life out of her. Saw her pour her life out for others without looking after her own needs. She now says no to just about everything. If she doesn't feel like it, she doesn't do it. The consequences of this is that she ends up saying no to relationships too. With her kids, with her neighbours, with herself. It's sad to see what looked like sacrifice in the beginning got exchanged for sacrificing what really matters.

Not too long ago I told my sister that one of my biggest challenges, since my kids have left home, is seeing myself leaning towards following in my mom's footsteps. I too, gave of myself, said yes to things out of obligation and fear; out of a need for control, and it sucked the life out of me. With the freedom to say no to anything now I can see how easy it would be to do just that. And I see what a lonely path that could be. Having said yes without discernment for 25 years often makes any yes/no decision today confusing.

And so I took this request of youngest son's girlfriend and asked God for knowledge of His will and the power to carry it out. Said it not quite through gritted teeth, but almost. And over the course of a few days my heart started to soften. I stepped back and looked at the big picture. I looked at what I would be saying no to. And what I would be saying yes to as well.

You need to know this about youngest son's girlfriend. She is a typical 15 year old in many ways. Makeup, clothes, and boys (my boy) fill a lot of her headspace. She lives in a home so dysfunctional that it makes me sad, mad and like a mother bear at times. Her mother never misses an opportunity to slam her verbally in front of anyone. My son often parents her more than her parents do. She has a general mistrust of any adult. She has a spunk that is admiral even though it gets channeled in ways that cause her problems. Her eyes follow a person, wary, always watching. She is quite sure she is unloveable. That she will never measure up. She often makes choices to try and prove those statements true. And my God, sometimes it is hard to love her.

But God won't let me give up on her. For as many times as my attiude towards her has reinforced her feelings of being unloveable I keep getting reminded of what matters.

And so yesterday I stopped at her house, put my arm around her shoulder and said, "I hear you are coming with me next week." She looked at me and said, "I am?" "Yes, you are," I told her. And we hugged and her eyes lost that wary look while hope flickered to life in them instead. I drove away a few minutes later and went to thank God for giving me the power to do His will. My words got swallowed up in big gulping tears.

When I was making my decision I had an overwhelming sense that this was not about me. It was not a time to choose to do what I wanted to do. It was a time to set that aside for someone else. For her. I felt like I was standing at a pivotal point in my journey. That by choosing to take her with me I was cutting off the tendrils that threatened to wrap themselves around me. The tendrils that wanted to take root in my life. That wanted me so desperately to follow in my mom's footsteps.

"You know, some things don't matter that much, Lily. Like the color of a house. How big is that in the overall scheme of life? But lifting a person's heart - now, that matters. The whole problem with people is - "

"They don't know what matters and what doesn't," I said, filling in her sentence and feeling proud of myself for doing so.

"I was gonna say, The problem is they know what matters, but they don't choose it. You know how hard that is, Lily? I love May (my sister), but it was still so hard to choose (to paint the house) Caribbean Pink. The hardest thing on earth is choosing what matters."

Update: Her dad decided she couldn't come with me so she is flying with dearest one and youngest son in time for the anniversary celebration.