There's a reason that the tiger in the picture is sweating it out. Hmm. I just took a closer look and realized she's sitting under a rain cloud. Oops. I assumed that she was sweating or crying.
Not that I've had a lot of practice "sitting with it." Running in the opposite direction is much more comfortable. But I imagined that if I did, I'd be crying or sweating buckets.
So it meant something to me last week in therapy, when big, big feelings came up, I did not run away. The feelings were so big that it felt like I was standing directly under a tidal wave about to come crashing down on me.
In that moment I was emotionally right back into the trauma of being raped (the first time.) With guidance from my therapist and bravery on my part, I didn't run the other way. Out loud I said my usual, "I hate this." "This fucking sucks." comments. And I also took deep breaths and kept my eyes open and somehow stayed present while emotionally I was back in time 40 years.
I don't know how many times my therapist has shared with me that animals in the wild will shake or run and jump after they have been under threat. And that in doing so they discharge the traumatic energy that would otherwise be stuck in their body after being pursued by a predator. Damn, how apt is that phrase. If you only knew.
And so I watched as 40 year old energy was dispersed from my body somehow with my permission and despite myself simultaneously.
I doubt I have ever been more hopeful in my life.
I'm truly know now that I am not a prisoner to my past.
At last.
1 comment:
I have no way of knowing how your experiences feel to you other than to read your words. All I can say is I'm sorry for your experiences but I'm glad you are no longer a prisoner of your past.
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