Thursday, January 03, 2013

At The Dinner Table

** realized yesterday that the number of people one can truly take into their confidence about how things are and not get shit on is small. Reminded once again that some people find it hard when I can't summon up any rah-rah cheerleader spirit for my own journey. I wanted to say I just didn't have any emotional energy left to be okay for their sake. I hung up the phone feeling deficient in the faith department and general human being department. I didn't want pity I wanted empathy. Sponsor later reminded me that expectations can give way to disappointment. True.

** new medication is doing a number on my whole being. Today was a weepy day. Oncologist said to give the medication a few days break and then try again at half a dose. I hate feeling like a stranger in my own skin.

** phone calls where the other person is understanding without jumping into the pool with me are invaluable. It makes climbing out of the pool much easier and inviting. I just wanted someone else to tell me it was okay to be where I was, that it wouldn't last forever, and not try to fix me. She did that. Pure gift.

** was supposed to get all test results tomorrow, waiting over finally. Oncologist called today to cancel tomorrow's appointment because the most important test result isn't back yet. It felt like the straw that broke the camel's back. Not living for this day. Not accepting life on life's terms. Just tears and despair.

** Oncologist called back later in the day with a little bit of test results that were hopeful. That helped balance the earlier call where other test results showed a possible need for more biopsies.

** had a frank talk with God about how I was feeling. Read this quote that made my day:

"My belief is that when you're telling the truth, you're close to God. If you say to God, "I am exhausted and depressed beyond words, and I don't like You at all right now, and I recoil from most people who believe in You," that might be the most honest thing that you've ever said. If you told me you had said to God, "It is all hopeless, and I don't have a clue if You exist, but I could use a hand," it would almost bring tears to my eyes, tears of pride in you, for the courage it takes to get real -- really real. It would make me want to sit next to you at the dinner table." Anne Lamott, "Help, Thanks, WOW"


Robin said...

"I wanted to say I just didn't have any emotional energy left to be okay for their sake."

Tell your truth, Hope.

It is so hard, this discovery that even among our closest of friends are few, if any, who can hear the unvarnished story of suffering. Too bad, as well, because I think that one of the reasons we are so shocked and so lonely when pain knocks on our door is that others have concealed their own so completely, recognizing that their family and friends are offended by the truth. (And quite sure that it would not be so for them. One of the best rejoinders I read this past week, in another context: "I hope that you never actually have to know what you are talking about.")

My guess is that ahead of you lie days of unbridled optimism and others of wrenching sadness. Claim them both; they all conspire together to write your own sacred story of courage and perseverance.

Peter said...

You are very Real, Hope.

tina hunt said...

I love the way Anne says things...I love that you have the courage to speak your truth...

Seeker said...

I can really sympathise here; people just do not seem interested in hearing about somebody else's pain.

Thanks for posting the quote. I liked it so much that I have ordered the book!

Jim said...

Anne Lamotte just "sets it on the table the way it is" and then says "Deal with it." I own two of her books and really ought to look into her newest offerings.

Religious folk really have a way of living up to that Biblical tag of "sheep", few digging into truth as it is, most content to live off a denominational, doctrinal meal that says "believe, have faith, and follow me". It's okay, Hope, to have questions. There's not a thing wrong with talking with Him from your heart, whatever the perspective. This your journey, your life. Just know you are not alone. He cares. We care.

Daisy said...

I do hear you as well Hope and have noticed the same thing. Now that I know the feeling, I can only wonder how many times I've done that to others without realizing it.

My prayers (and general communication skills come to think of it) have been choppy and strange for some time, even more so in the last 8 months or so. Still I continue to pray and definitely send some up with you in mind.


annie said...

I think to have a couple of people who can sit with you in the hard times and hear your suffering and pain without wanting to fix it, or to judge it, is a great blessing and a privilege, Hope.

It is at times like these that we have to "assemble our tribe" of the kind of people who can listen and tell us it's okay to be where we are.

I think you are doing a wonderful job of speaking your truth. I am praying for you and Dearest One...