Tears Are A Form Of Prayer

I wanted to weep again and again at Mass today.
Unexpected tears feel like both a gift and an inconvenience.
So rarely do they appear when I am alone.
Today they would have morphed into a snotty nose
and gulping sobs kind of weeping
so I quelled them and settled for tears welling up.
I wonder how God sees it when I stifle the Spirit so.

I was almost the whole kit and kaboodle at church today.
Sacristan, lector, altar server, usher and gift bearer.
That's what happens when there are only a handful present
and only one other person is brave enough to get out of the pew!
I don't think it takes bravery
but to some it does.

I have had intense issues with our current priest.
He's driven me around the bend on more than one occasion.
Then came a Sunday, a few months ago,
when I was ranting
all by my lonesome,
on the way home from church.
Listing every single one of his faults out loud.
He'd pulled a doozy that day
and I felt like we were in a cat and mouse game.
And he was the *&$^%$@ victor.
He didn't know we were in a game.
But I tell you, I was convinced of it.

And as the words of contempt spewed out of my mouth
bouncing off the windows of my empty car,
I saw myself in every single one of his faults.

I haven't been the same since.

I could no longer look with
something akin to hatred at him.
Instead, there welled up compassion
and I cut him some slack for being human.
And well, once there is even a sliver of compassion
one can never go back to venom
without a tremendous amount of effort.

Venom is a waste of energy.

I can just see myself holding up my hand
and asking to be excused from life momentarily
because I've used up all my spoons
hating another human being.

I've never been an altar server before.
As I assisted the priest today
I felt the tears welling up for the umpteenth time.
I don't know if I'll ever like the man
But he's no longer my enemy.

Today was one of those days
when I was overwhelmed
by the mercy of God.
What else can one do then
but say thank you?