Today I embraced the sadness that's been
my companion all week.
Risen from the depths
it's been begging for release.
The tears came amidst a therapy session.
Grief rolled down my cheeks
its outlet found.
Decisions to be made.
Needs voiced
without apology
yet without expectation.
I wanted an easier, softer way.
My body has been letting me know lately
that easier and softer instead of
honest and direct
is too high a price to pay.
Yesterday the doctor recognized
the grief etched within me.
I saw it in his startled eyes
as he opened the door and
looked at me.
When he asked if I was there
only for injections
I sidestepped his question.
Kept it to lighter, safer stuff.
This kind of pain
needs to be felt,
not numbed
in order to heal.
So now the needs have been voiced
the easier softer way
has been put to bed
honest and direct
has taken its necessary place.
Part of me wants to jump up and down
protest that this journey
is too fucking hard.
But really the journey just is what it is.
Awareness feels like a double edged sword.
It cuts one free
and inflicts pain.
This too shall pass.
Not around
but through.
Always through.
6 comments:
Oh, Hope! I am so with you sister! Just let it out honey! My counselor even told me on Tuesday that it has been a freaky week for everyone that came in her office. Full moon? Summer soltice? Life.
My heart hurts for you this morning as I am reminded not to take things for granted. I too have struggled with depression and wrote a bit about it on my blog a while back, but reading your post has made me realize how blessed I am. I am keeping you in my prayers. You are loved. ((((HOPE))))If I were there I would gently hug you.
Sometimes "one thing at a time" is hard to enforce when the gates are stormed. Hang in, Hopester.
Funny...I understand too hard. It's too hard here too and I just know how to go on through. And there's absolutely no relief in site. Labels and tags that include for the rest of my life hang, loom visciously and murderoulsy heavy over my head and in my heart. I haven't shared the dept of that despair with anyone but you. Seems you could just relate without trying to fix or minimize it.
So yesterday was my last day of school for a couple of months and I've noticed that, after a few years of doing this, there is a strange phenomenon/pattern that occurs each time. Rather than being completely elated at the thought of having 2 months of not going to my job, I feel oddly depressed for a bit. The last month of work is soooo busy that, stopping suddenly as it does, leaves me faced with just me; everything has suddenly been stripped away. No particular project to distract me; the next step I take is left pretty much up to me and I'm not sure what to do. There's no outside momentum pushing me in any particular direction.
Do you get that feeling after such a busy time? Even if you may be glad that the crazy business is over?
Mich
praying here dear friend.
Post a Comment