Sunday, January 29, 2006

Waking From The Coma

Last night I lay in a hotel bed after experiencing one more self induced food coma and said to myself and God, "This is going to be the last time I do this. Enough." I thought about when I said enough to booze nearly 18 years ago and enough to sexual addiction 9 weeks ago. And I wondered for the umpteenth time if it were at all possible that I had stayed the course so far out of pure pride. Can one evade grace or how does a person know they were actually leaning on grace and not on self? After all I had had 8 years of abstinence from sexual addiction at one point in my life. I simply made up my mind and that was it. Poof, gone. Whenever temptation tried to weasel its way into my mind I shut the door at once. So was that grace or self control? Okay, self control is one of the fruits of the spirit. So do people who do not confess to lean on God for anything have human self control or fruit of the spirit self control? Or is all self control via the grace of God and we just don't give honour to Whom it's due?

I wondered what my goal in life was. Did I think it was to get rid of all vices? Whas that what being Christ-like looked like? Somehow I didn't think so.

I am sick to death of feeling broken. Fix me Repair Man, please. My pride can't take being such a mess of humanity. I thought about being in an AA meeting and how people are simply unapologetic for where they are on the journey. I long for that reality to sink deep enough into my soul that I never lose sight of it. I want the cleaned up, polished fake journey much of the time. Not that I do that well either. Part of the reason I didn't post the other day was that I was simply sick of hearing myself talk about the same stuff over and over again. I wanted progress.

This morning I picked up my current read [hat tip to poor mad peter and sue] only to read these words,
"You're worth more broken."

I buried my face in a pillow and sobbed.

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