Sunday, December 12, 2004

"Ack, Ack"

Last Sunday one of my friends stood up in church and said she felt forsaken by God and had been feeling that way for a long time. Something beautiful unfolded and it was obvious that a "God thing" was happening. Somehow her vulnerability broke open a chasm - her willingness to be human - made it possible for God to work among us. There was a beautiful time of prayer - it felt like agendas were put aside for the moment. It felt like Holy Ground.

This morning the sermon was on feeling forsaken. "Ack, Ack" I wanted to scream. I felt like what the Holy Spirit did last Sunday had been crapped all over. It had become a problem to fix. It became fodder for a sermon. I sat there and thought "oh boy....this alone would make me never stand up in church and be human before the congregation." I don't want to be fodder for a sermon. Not that I am unwilling to be human. The price for my continuing sobriety has been that I learn how to have integrity. That what I think and what I say match up. No more masks. No more pretending. But I tell you sermons like what I heard today made me want me to go underground.

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