Thursday, May 28, 2009

Where Was I?

It has felt like a really long week.
I found myself driving home today
in that twilight zone space
of not being fully awake.
Scary stuff.
I have slept poorly every night and am on overload.
Sadness has been my constant companion,
like a dull toothache that won't go away.
Sadness is different than self pity.
I'm grateful I can tell the difference.

We moved our offices this week at work
and are still ironing out the bugs.
My head was full of trying to learn new equipment today
when the phone rang.
I raced to get it before it went to voice mail
only to answer it and totally blank out
as to who I was and where I was and
what the hell was that greeting
I was supposed to say again?
I sputtered and stammered
and finally just said a little sheepishly, "hi?"
The person on the other end burst into laughter and I did too.
A few hours later she phoned again
and I remembered the spiel this time.
She heard me out and then told me that was much better.
It felt good to laugh.
I haven't laughed enough lately.

Personally I have been through the wringer this week.
I keep reminding myself that
God gives grace for the situation not the imagination.
My imagination can and does run riot at times.

I have been a poster girl for self will run riot this week.
Not too proud of that.
At all.

I am grateful that through it all I had no desire to drink.
That's one victory anyway.
I feel like I've been clinging to hope
a little desperately of late.
Not normal for me.
I'm grateful for the ability
to be gut wrenchingly honest with my Higher Power.
Grateful for a sponsor who tells me what I need to hear
not what I want to hear
because she loves me whole heartedly.

I'm grateful for all your well wishes.
Sorry I'm being vague about details.
I just can't write it out here
without potentially hurting important people in my life.
There was a time when I wouldn't have given a shit
about whether I hurt anyone's feelings.
Today I do.
I'm grateful for that, too.

8 comments:

Steve E. said...

Girl, you owe no explanation at all to anybody here who is not directly connected with what is troubling you.

So there.

I remember a song in which some of the words were "Laughing on the outside, Crying on the inside, 'cause I'm still in love with you..."

Songs explain a lot to me of myself. especially those with real words...not a lot of "Yeah, yeah, yeah's"...

Hope to hear from you again, sooner rather than later, even if it IS trivial, and not the "real thing". OK?

Daisy said...

((((((((HOpe)))))))))

You've been in my thoughts and prayers. Intended to email; couldn't get it together this week.

Mich

thegentlepath said...

Sounds like you're a poster child for having a lot of stress right now too.

Owen said...

Daily you are in my thoughts.

Mary (MPJ) said...

I totally understand the need to keep silent about some things. There is a lot I don't blog about too. I am keeping you in my thoughts.

Kathy Lynne said...

"that's one victory anyway"

That's a huge victory! Thanks for being the example.

Beth said...

Girl, you are simply a poster child for humanity.

I have missed you.

Weird to feel so closely connected to one whose voice I've heard once, whose words I read frequently, but there is some sort of spiritual sisterhood today.

So, I can safely say, "Much love to you, friend..."

And that I prayed for you today.

annie said...

I'm happy to see you are aware and you are taking care of yourself Hope.