"Let us be present to the now.
It’s all we have and it’s where God will always speak to us.
The now holds everything, rejects nothing and,
therefore, can receive God, too.
Help us be present to the place we’re most afraid of,
because it always feels empty, it always feels boring,
it always feels like it’s not enough.
Help us find some space within that we don’t try to fill
with ideas or opinions.
Help us to create inner space,
because you always show yourself best where we are
hungry and empty.
Keep us out of the way,
so there is always room enough for you.
From Hope Against Darkness, p. 122
When I read quotes like that one above I tend to think, "Oh God, help me create inner space now." Without all the awareness and surrender creating inner space demands. I want results now when inner space, being present, is a journey. There's that pull between recognizing the beauty of the above quote and sometimes wanting that kind of result more for my own ego gratification than for any glory God might get. Which, if it was an instant happening for wretched reasons, wouldn't be the real deal anyway. So there you go. I'm just talking outloud here. Letting you know what goes on inside my head at times.
I'm getting ready today for a women's retreat that starts tomorrow night and lasts throughout this long weekend. As one of a dozen or so speakers on the weekend I always wonder if speaking at these things is an ego grab for me. I enjoy public speaking. I enjoy sharing my story thus far. I don't like being seen as anything except an ordinary women walking the path. For the most part. These things can feed that place in me that likes applause and attention. So I pray a lot when I write the talk, I pray a lot before I give it, and I need to pray the most afterwards. When women come up and talk to me because of the difference between where I was and where I am now. There is always that tension between wanting to keep out of God's way and wanting the limelight. I wish it wasn't so. I pray that God gets the glory. I don't know how it works really. I just know that I'm not where I'm at in the journey - as if that is somewhere anyway - on my own steam. Where I got on my own steam is a whole other story. And I share that in the talk as well. Anyway if I come to mind this weekend, say a little prayer for me, that my ego will be kept in check and that I am given the grace to stay out of God's way.