Saturday, January 31, 2009

Trusting What I Can't See

"A committe of one in my head is never a good thing."

Words of wisdom from my home group AA meeting this morning.
Words I would have done well to heed last night when we had a freak winter thunderstorm. What is that saying? God gives grace for the situation not the imagination. My imagination was running wild last night. Wild. This is what the committee of one sounded like in my head:

Wow. Those trees are swirling way too fast. Surely one is going to crash right on top of the trailer and trap me. I just know it.

Hmmm. If a tree crashes down on top of the trailer and traps me I'd better have a phone handy. Which will it be? The cordless or the cell phone?

I go to my purse and get out my cell phone. A phone I don't even know the number to because I never call it. I open my purse and see a pack of gum. If I'm going to be trapped I might need some sustenance. I pop a piece of gum in my mouth and go watch the trees.

"Wait. Why am I watching the trees on the side of the house trailer where, if they fall, will never hit me? Why aren't I watching on the side that poses real danger. At least then I can see the tree before it hits me."

The energizer bunny is whining at my feet. I look at her and think to myself, "Shut up. Don't dogs start acting crazy right before a disaster happens?"

I stand at the window and tell God I'll have to trust he has angels standing guard to protect me. Could he please make them superman angels? The kind that can stop a 60 foot falling tree in mid air? Thank you. I can hear trees breaking and crashing in the bush as I pray, but I can't see them.

Next I ask myself what will I regret about my day if a tree does crash through the roof and I am trapped. I think about the local volunteer firefighters and how some of them come from pretty gossipy homes. A shower. That's what I'll regret. Right. I will regret it because they'll see what I look like with bedhead at 5 in the afternoon. That will give the gossip mongers something to talk about. After all, it's all about me, you know. The lights start flickering on and off as I hop in the shower. I hope the power stays on long enough for me to wash my hair. I chew my gum right through lathering and rinsing my hair. That's one way to remember to chew with my mouth closed.

I get out of the shower and blow dry my hair. I am prepared now. My cell phone is right by my side. I get dressed and still feel cold. That's when I realize that the wind's so strong that it's whistled down the chimney and blown the pilot light out on the furnace. I pull the cover off the furnace and get out the matches to relight the pilot light. I think I can smell gas. I read the instructions on the furnace. In big letters it says not to light a thing if you can smell gas. Great. If I try to light the pilot light I will blow the trailer up, swaying trees be damned. I put the matches away and go find the portable electric heater.

It's dark out now so I can't see the trees swaying.
I can only hear them.
How am I supposed to prepare for impending disaster in the dark?

Guess I'll have to trust what I can't see coming.

Which pretty well sums up life as we know it.

Once I can't see what might befall me, the drama in my head fades and I adopt a "Que Sera, Sera" attitude. I go to the kitchen and make myself a sandwich. I let the energizer bunny jump up on the recliner beside me and we spend the rest of the evening watching TV. The wind is still blowing and the trees are still swaying. Eventually dearest one gets home and lights the pilot light. We fall asleep to gusts of wind and crashing trees and we wake to more of the same. I drive over branches as I make my way to my meeting this morning.

I sit and listen in the meeting and hear exactly what I need to hear.
A committee of one in my head is never a good thing.
Gotta have a crowd if a tree is going to get you.


dawna said...

oh, hope, how i love hearing the voices in your head. now i know i'm not so crazy after all!


Hope said...

Or maybe, we're both crazy!

Anonymous said...

This reminds of a couple of summers ago when I had the fear of impending doom during a storm when we were camping. I imagined an entire mountainside crashing down on us! Not to mention the trees and lightning. Meanwhile, husband snored soundly! I did a hve a nice tan and my legs were shaved.LOL!

Anonymous said...

We had the same crazy wind happening yesterday afternoon and evening. Like you, had the same sorta thoughts as there's one tree in our front yard that I'm pretty sure is out to get somebody... Had to stop watching it.

Our furnace went out on Friday. We blew an ignitor apparently. We never once had our old leaky furnace repaired, just cleaned and checked. This new one is only 6 yrs old and every year, a piece has to be replaced. Yup. Don't make 'em like they used to apparently...


Jim said...

Oil furnace. Every once in awhile, though, I wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep for the anxiety, thoughts running through your head that never drop by during daylight. Glad no trees found your trailer...

steveroni said...

My Guardian Angel Flex (real name "Flexible") can stop huge trees from hitting trailers. He can turn a traffic light to 'green' when he sees I cannot stop--he does this regularly (wink-wink!).

Hope, you can borrow him any time, just whisper "Flex, help"--he has to hear you--and he'll be there.

HOWEVER, he cannot alter my thoughts, or yours. He cannot stop the voices in your head--nor in mine

He's good, but he ain't GOD!