Monday, January 12, 2009

That Place

It's just past midnight.
Insomnia is a bully.
One thing about being awake
is appreciating
the gorgeous moon
shining in the window.

On Saturday afternoon I went to a movie.
An older couple walked in ahead of me.
We were the only ones in the theatre.
They sat and talked like one would
in the comfort of one's home.
On the screen were the pre movie trivia questions
and for 10 minutes straight
the woman nearly shouted out the answers
as if she were watching Jeopardy.
I marveled at her boldness.

Next a couple of teenage girls came in.
They talked about the same kinds of things
I did at their age.
You know, the drama of who got miffed at who
and hey, then she said this and I sure told her.
That kind of conversation.
Sometimes I still act like that.
The theatre was so empty
their voices carried
loud and clear.

We talk all the time
with our voices
and our bodies.
I've been pondering this past while
how it was with me
right after I came out of treatment.
I remember going to see two people within a week of coming home.
One was my after treatment counselor
and one was Father Charlie.
I had the same experience with both of them.

For the previous 2 years with Fr. Charlie
I had often wanted to curl up in a ball
during our sessions and rock like a child.
Often the conversation would stir such pain and emotion
I could hardly handle sitting still.
Sometimes I wanted to run screaming from the room.

But in both appointments post rehab
I could do nothing
but sit with a body language
that was open,joyous and free.
I couldn't cross my arms or legs if I tried.
I can't even explain how it felt.
Other than to say my inner being
was so at peace and without walls
and my body followed suit.
I never knew until that moment
how much one reflected the other.
If I cross my arms there is always a reason.
At one point I said to Fr. Charlie
"Look at me. My body language.
I couldn't curl up in a ball if I tried."
We both smiled and got teary because we knew
we were witnessing a miracle.

I miss being in that place.
It wasn't dependent on anyone else's behaviour.
I wasn't happy, joyous and free because life was
going according to my plan.
I was so at peace within myself
that the rest of life didn't fizz me.
I miss being in that place.


Heidi Renee said...

"the rest of life didn't fizz me" :D

that is so you - i love that phrase. i don't know if it's a "hope" phrase or an out west phrase, but it makes me smile every time you say it, and i've even heard it coming out of my mouth a few times lately.

paying the price of the bully here too. talk today??

Anonymous said...

That is a pretty nice place to be.


Lou said...

You know what I really liked here? You didn't complain about the people at the theatre. I get very weary of the complaining on blogs.

Christy said...

I walk hunched over since adolescence.

When I went to yoga, I had a teacher tell me I was protecting my heart.

I scoffed--I just have bad posture!

But when I kept going, and started opening my chest, one day I cried and cried, to my HORROR.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

You know, the adage of it's a program of self acceptance and not self help, that's exactly what this blog reminded me of...thank you so much for the blessed reminder.

Kathy Lynne said...

Hi..thanks for your comments and suggestions..I'll check out the song and I liked the signature on your posts so I checked that out too.

I have been doing CP for a year now. I always remember what Thomas Keating said to the num when she approached him at a retreat and said..Father, I have failed, one thousand thoughts came into my head. And he said, you have not failed, you had 1000 opportunities to return to God.

I am not always regular in my practice but I always return. the year is starting off right for me now. Remember that the fruits are not in the prayer itself but in daily life. I have found that I am able to let go just a little easier. Ever so gently, if you will.

Have you read Open Mind, Open Heart?

Cat said...

Your writing gets me thinking and looking at myself.

steveroni said...

Two lines really hit me, Hope. One, by Kathy Lynne (just above here):

"I am not always regular in my practice but I always return."

And, thank God, we have an "out" which has not yet failed!

Then Hope, your own line:

"I was so at peace within myself
that the rest of life didn't fizz me."

Oh how I L.O.V.E. that thought, and how I long for it to be true, when that peace does leave me from time to time--or moment to moment...

Thank you, Kathy Lynne! Good stuff.

Pru said...

I love how I feel when I'm doing yoga and my chest (and heart) open up. Body language, so subtle and so, so powerful.